Terrible realization and answer to that question - everything.
A good friend of mine, and someone who I admire very much and have always looked up to as kind of a big brother in the dance world, is working on his thesis. He has always, always pushed me. Every piece I've danced for him has proved challenging in an always evolving way. Not one has provided the same challenge, but each time I am asked to work with him, I know that he will test me in some way, shape or form. The piece before this was nothing short of the most exhausting physical challenge I have ever been handed. Before that came a performative challenge - becoming the believable character he wanted me to be. This time, I think it's mental and emotional. Although early in the process and perhaps jumping the gun in making that judgment, I do believe that's where this is going.
I didn't realize, until verbalizing it to him yesterday, how much I debate his piece in my head constantly. It's not my piece, I can't give you all the details, but I don't think he'd mind if I told you that it has something to do with that dreaded four letter word...love. God, I just really suck at love. Seriously.
Anyway, one of the things he said to me in rehearsal that stuck is that he wants me to start, "living the truth instead of performing a truth really well." Yes, I know the difference, theoretically. But as the dancer I was trained to be, that line is something I struggle with. Especially when it comes to this subject matter. Ugh.
But, after talking to him about it, even only briefly yesterday, and considering his work even more, as usual, I realized, I have shut myself off from love. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to hear about how other people are happy and in it. I actually have this terrible habit of silently laughing at anyone who is telling me about their relationships, thinking them foolish, especially if it's a new and exciting relationship. I am a 21 year old cynic, through and through.
Sure, I'll tell people what has, had or hasn't happened with me, but I do it as a kind of protocol. I'm expected to. I can't stand talking about it. That whole stoic, strength thing I've got going, love does not fit into that picture. Love is for children. It's that dreamy, star-gazing in wonder sort of look that little girls are allowed to have. And then you grow up, and realize it's no fun, and only the weak fall for it. Why on earth do I need someone to rely on? Or take care of me? Or tell me I'm not good enough? Or rip my heart to shreds? Or call me at night to give me a hug over the phone? Or completely ignore my attempts at communication? Or actually be there in person to hold my hand? I don't.
And that my friends is the key to me figuring this out. Love is a valid experience and emotion, just as much as anger, hatred, excitement, jealousy, anticipation and happiness. I can't force love upon myself. I can't walk out the door and say, "Today, I will find Prince Charming," and make it happen. But, I can forgive myself.
What better way to do that than go dance about it? Sorry, camera isn't charged...this one is for me.
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