Rambling

I've been considering why I keep putting myself on the line? What's the point? Why do these things to myself - take risks that I know will probably just drive me crazy and not end the way I'd hoped, leave myself with good memories that will just haunt me as they fade into the distance, and overall just add more doubt to a life already full of it? I was so happy. I remember this time last week being joyous. Amazing how quickly things can shift.

I told you I would be beyond repair and utterly stressed. It just happened later than originally anticipated.

It's all part of the journey though. I'm crying more. I'm laughing more. I'm admitting to what I'm thinking and feeling more, even though I may not care to always think about what I'm really thinking and feeling.

And, somewhere in the past week, I decided that I won't apologize for who I am anymore. If I want to do something, I'm going to do it, and there is absolutely no reason that I should have to think twice about it. I am allowed to be a person and act on what I need to in order to give myself peace of mind. I deserve to have people respond to me, both positively and negatively. It's all going to work out in the end, and hopefully along the way, I'll keep creating interesting tales to tell when I'm old and grey.

An amendment to my last entry - that wall, it's not the same one. It's up, or at least most of me would like to think it is, but at least every other brick has disappeared. I can see through it to the other side, even though I continue to pretend I can't. Even though I continue to pretend no one else can see through it. In the back of my head, I know they can. It's terrifying and freeing. My mission - take enough bricks out to crumble the Jenga tower before the end of this process. Here goes nothing...