"Please, oh please, take care of your body, heart and soul."
A message written to me at the beginning of a gift - a dance journal given to me by a very special group of friends. A journal they offered for me to start my next journey with. It's taken 5 months, and a lot of detours, but I'm here. I'm starting that journey. And it starts with taking care of MY body, MY heart and MY soul.
This one isn't improv...this one is flat out, traditionally choreographed. This one is still me speaking - saying the things I'll never have the chance to say, figuring out the things I don't know how else to figure out...but it isn't improv.
So, since it's a little different, I think I've decided that this time around, I'll share my journal. You can't see the format, which is a huge part, but I'm okay with that part staying with me.
"Epilogue - a short addition or concluding section at the end of a literary work, often dealing with the future of its characters.
Prologue - an introduction or preface.
Unkempt - not properly maintained; disorderly or untidy. Unpolished; rude.
Unkept - not fulfilled.
Is this the before, or the after?
A door closed, an important one.
Do I tell that story? Do I show the aftermath?
Or do I work on opening the next?
Come on skinny love, just last the year.
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall.
patient, fine, balanced, kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be owning all the fines.
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
patient, fine, balanced, kind
And now ALL your love is wasted
and who the HELL was I?
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who's gonna fall far behind?
aberrant, adj.
Measure the hope of that moment, that feeling. Everything else will be measured against it.
arrears, n.
"It was a mistake," you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.
ethereal, adj.
It lasted the length of an old song, and then we stopped, kissed, and my heart stayed there, just like that.
flux, n.
The natural state. Our moods change. Our lives change. Our feelings for each other change. Our bearings change. The song changes. The air changes. The temperature of the shower changes.
Accept this. We must accept this.
I, n.
Me without anyone else.
ineffable, adj.
No matter how many words there are, there will never be enough.
love, n.
I'M NOT GOING TO EVEN TRY.
raze, v.
It sounded like you were lifting me, but it all fell.
recant, v.
I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the "I love you's," because it feels safer that way.
stanchion, n.
I don't want to be the strong one, but I don't want to be the weak one, either.
ubiquitous, adj.
When it's going well, the fact of it is everywhere. It's there in the song that shuffles into your ears. It's there in the book you're reading. It's there on the shelves of the store as you reach for a towel and forget about the towel. It's there as you open the door. As you stare off on the subway, it's what you're looking at. You wear it inside of your hat. It lines your pockets. It's the temperature.
The hitch of course, is that when it's going badly, it's in all the same places.
yearning, n. and adj.
At the core of this desire is the belief that everything can be perfect"
That's the journal so far, the written part anyway. There's also this life journal telling my story. I'm running, and I'm doing it for me. At first, I was worried it was because I was running from everything in this city - the harsh dance comments, the feeling of hopelessness, the difficulty in finding something substantial, him. And then I was worried that I was doing it as a last act of desperation - if I move, he'll follow. If I try, he'll want me back. And then, on my trips, I realized that no one else could cause me to get on a 2 hour bus after sobbing myself to sleep, getting only an hour of "sleep," and go to an audition with the wrong pants, slightly disheveled, and still do well and have fun. Nothing could make me do that, besides me. Nothing could make me want that city so bad, besides me. I don't know why, or how, but I know that I am done here. And I'm moving on. I don't know when exactly, and the details are a disaster, but I'm actively figuring it out every day...for me.
"See you in never land."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k11Tw7J1wWo&feature=youtube_gdata_player
