And I'm trying to be okay without knowing the answer.
But as far as this project goes...I do have to start piecing together what it all means, and kind of quickly.
So, what I've arrived at thus far - emotions are an under-explored scientific realm because to many, previously including myself, they are not viewed as "valid" or "worth" research. However, this makes little to no sense because as human beings, one of the main factors defining us and making us what we are is the ability to think, process and feel the world around us in an emotional sense - be they positive or negative emotions. I even hate using those terms in reference to any kind of feeling because the connotations that come with the words "positive" and "negative" are so strong. By referring to anger as a negative emotion, you strip some of its validity away because people will immediately try to avoid anything bad and strive only for the good, aka happiness. Why do we do this? What is so wrong about feeling?
I do think I have figured that part out. Feeling, being honest and open and emotional, places an individual in an unbelievably, almost unbearably vulnerable place - take it from someone who had tried to stuff every thought and feeling that wasn't one I could justify as "strong" into a closet and prayed no one would ever dare open that door. But, hurtling myself into that vulnerable place has an upside. Put aside the tears and the heartache and the unleashing of everything that's been gurgling inside of me for a second and just take a look at what I've done. I've opened up. I'm telling the truth. I'm me, nothing more, nothing less. And, probably the best part of all of this - you have all accepted that and greeted my process with outstanding compassion, interest and support. I never anticipated that. I never anticipated the constant questions and "So I was reading your blog the other day..."
Which also says something to me. I mentioned to a professor of mine that I was alarmed at the amount of response I'd gotten from this blog, that I really didn't enjoy sharing my life with so many people. But she didn't hold onto the second part of that statement. She addressed me being surprised by everyone actually reading it and simply said, "Ya. They care about you and want to know what you're up to."
...Maybe...
But what I really think is that it says something about us. There's this interest to know what's going on internally within a friend...if I may call myself your friend for a second. Maybe there's an interest to understand what it would be like to open up and make yourself vulnerable. So, as a test run, you're watching me do it, and learning, and agreeing or disagreeing with whatever I think, feel or have to say about it. Maybe that's a little presumptuous. Maybe I'm out of line to say it. But bottom line, the truth is, it is extremely rare for us to be 100% honest with someone in a conversation about everything I've been doing in this project. And my hope is that all this writing and all this being uncomfortable and all of this putting myself on the line will help, myself and you. I want us to be honest with ourselves and the world and realize that whatever you're feeling is OKAY. Maybe it's right or wrong, but who the heck cares? You're still feeling it's better to own up to what you're feeling and face it rather than hide in a corner and try and get away from it.
And even if you do that, your body is going to tell the story no matter what. Every move you make, every thing you do, every choice all adds up to whatever internal story line is happening. Good, bad and in between. Bodies don't lie. Movement doesn't lie. And that my friends is why I dance.
The poster part of this comes next. How on earth do I fit all these thoughts, feelings and dancings on a piece of paper? Gonna have to get creative...hmm...
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