I've come to realize that while I no longer measure my days in thoughts of you
and the elapsed time since we last spoke,
I now measure my days in the elapsed time
since I last thought of you.
I've come to realize those measurements aren't all that different,
despite what I'd like to believe.
The number of days between thoughts is ever-increasing, but the fact remains -
I think of you.
We have no promises left to keep.
They've all long expired.
I really anticipated the end being the end and for this end to be finite.
Life is just full of surprises.
Thought you should know.
Picture all of this still floating around in my brain, because that's where it is:
Here I am, sitting in a Starbucks lacking in air conditioning, bumming their internet because after weeks of living in this new house, I am still without my technological connection to the world. I delegated not to dance today. I've gone the past 3 weeks and danced for multiple hours every single one of those days. There is no day off in sight for me any time soon, and after what could be called a traumatic weekend, I just can't bring myself to do it today. Everyone says I'm justified. Everyone says I need a break, but I still feel incomplete. I still wish I didn't need the break. I still wish I was dancing. But, after several near breakdowns today, I know I need the time and space.
So, again, here I sit. One iced latte gone. Contemplating a second. Anything to calm the hurricane of thoughts and feelings inside me. I want change. I want out. I want anything. Anything but all of this. Craving stability. Starving for safety. But that isn't the life I chose. Time to accept the hand I've been dealt and play the game the best I can. Steadily figuring out that life is nothing but a game, and you never really grow up and figure it out. Sure I'll learn. I'll get the routine down. I'll make little kids think I know what I'm doing, just like you all did to me, but it's becoming more and more clear that I may never really know.
And all I'd really like is for someone to show up and hold me, just out of instinct. Just out of feeling me. Feeling all of this energy that is pouring out of me and begging for some kind of contact. For the first time in a long time, I want to be held, and I don't want to feel like whoever it is will ever let go. I want the comfort of knowing that I don't have to shoulder everything on my own.
That or a rubber room. Either one will do the job today.
Just typing this, I can feel my heart pounding. Maybe it's the caffeine, but I doubt it. These past few days I've become so internally aware. I can feel everything going on in my mind and body to such an extreme, it's overwhelming. I want to dance about it, but I am taking the day off. I am taking the day off. I am taking this day off. And that's final, Cassandra. You are taking the day off.
All of this, well it's written in my journal:
Emotion was not thought to deserve research efforts in the psychology field for a while.
Emotions follow regularities (laws).
Emotions arise in response to the meaning structures of given situations; different emotions arise in response to different meaning structures.
Emotions point to the presence of some concern.
Emotions are elicited by events appraised as real, and their intensity corresponds to the degree to which that is the case.
Emotions are elicited not so much by the presence of favorable or unfavorable conditions, but by actual or expected changes in favorable or unfavorable conditions.
Continued pleasures wear off; continued hardships lose their poignancy (emotions don't last).
Loss of satisfaction does not yield a neutral condition, but positive misery. Loss of misery does not yield a sense of normality, but positive happiness.
The intensity of emotion depends on the relationship between an event and some frame of reference against which the event is evaluated.
Fear can go on forever; hopes have limited duration.
Emotions tend to be closed to judgements of relativity of impact and to the requirements of goals other than their own.
Every emotional impulse elicits a secondary impulse that tends to modify it in view of its possible consequences.
Whenever a situation can be viewed in alternative ways, a tendency exists to view it in a way that maximizes emotional gain.
(Emotions in Social Psychology)
And this can be found in my planner:
My first rehearsal with Megan took place in an Applebee's. We ate, and talked and laughed and complained and shared stories of both fear and delight. In two weeks, we'll have our first movement rehearsal, and I cannot wait to finally put some of these pieces together.
Now, I'm off for a haircut. This has been one long six+ months of awkward. Here's hoping some change will do me good.
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