Today after class, we paired up and paid attention to our partners' bodies, encouraging them to relax. Kun-yang was my partner. He held onto my legs and just gently spoke to me about how tense I was, how I needed to let go and relax. So I did. Still not enough. Still holding on. Then, somehow, the focus slowly shifted from my legs back to those damn shoulders. I tried. I pushed them down as far as they would go. I tried to make them disappear. More tension. More strain. He told me to stop thinking so hard. That was a lot of my problem. I can't always think things through. I just have to trust and feel them sometimes.
Then, he told me to breathe and to lengthen out my arms without muscling it. Open up your heart. He put his hand on my collarbone to help me feel it. And by God, I did it. My entire body changed. My neck grew about an inch. My ribcage dropped without me thinking about it. My arms were probably 2 inches longer each (which, I don't really need, but whatever). I felt open and beautiful. Me. I felt beautiful. I was terrified to move. Terrified that I would lose it. But, Jose Juan made me move. It was my turn to help Kun-Yang relax, which good luck with that. Not only do I now know that he is the tensest person on the face of the planet, but he never stops teaching. Throughout the entirety of me trying to repeat the massage techniques meant to release his body, he continued talking, using his own body to teach me about mine. He told me what he considered to be the "ideal" dancer. It's not me, don't get excited. But the cool part - it's not him either and he is absolutely stunning on stage. He then went on to tell me that people like us may not be flexible, or long and elegant, but we are strong and smart, and we can figure it out. It's just going to take time and being open to the possibilities and the new pathways that we'll find.
In the midst of his lecture, he stopped to tell me that he could see the change in me already. And I could feel it. God, I was soaring. I ran into the office to tell Jess, who had to tell me to calm down. I was in complete and total euphoria...and extremely late to rehearsal. Her reaction to me was interesting. She told me to calm down, that she could see it. My energy color was different.
Now, something you have to know about Jess, she is very into energies and chakras. Her M.F.A. thesis was all about it, so it's 100% normal for us to be having a conversation and for her to nonchalantly say that my energy color has changed. Don't really care if you get it or not, that's another discussion for a different time. However, her words stuck with me all day, and I've come to a conclusion. On several occasions, by several different people, I have been told that my third eye is the strongest, if not, over-dominating chakra. The color associated with it is indigo and this is the chakra that controls intuition, awareness, clear sight, wisdom and concentration. Today, I think I finally connected to my heart chakra. That color is green and it controls love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and peace. What a fulfilling change.
And I think it was all possible because I was finally ready for it. I don't think this is the first time Kun-Yang has said the words, in fact, I know it isn't. It isn't the first time he's tried to help me. It's just the first time that I was ready to let him in and to understand what he was saying. It was the first time that I was ready to let go.
I'm so much at peace right now, with everything, I'm awestruck. I don't know if my shoulders are still in the right place, but I know that I found it once and it turned my day around. If I found it once, I can do it again.
I meet with Megan tomorrow. So excited to see where this goes.
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