I'm supposed to be doing research for the company, but I can't focus. This is the first research I've had to do since graduating, and while I sincerely am interested, it's such a foreign process somehow. I'm also not interested in the way that I usually am - eager to learn about something I don't really know. I know this stuff, basically, and am just finding myself increasingly frustrated by the lack of attention that has been given to something that truly is important and should be viewed as such by those who run it.
So, I figured I'd write. Maybe if I get it all out of my system I'll be able to focus.
I performed a solo for Jess last night. It's been a long time since I've felt so connected to a dance, and not in my typical way. It doesn't really transport me anywhere, or make me feel beautiful, or make me sincerely angry, or help me process anything...it just feels like home. I don't know how to explain it, but I belong in that solo.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
I found that quote yesterday and I can't let go of it. It's what the piece is for me. When we first started, Jess told me that it was about broken things and how they can still be beautiful, and of course immediately, I was in. Something like that, you figure I would get super emotional. I figured I would. But I don't, not when I'm dancing it. It just is. Matter of fact. This doesn't quite go the way I want it to, but it is this, and this is going to have to be enough. In fact, I am going to make this better than enough. I am going to make this beautiful.
I felt a little uncomfortable with it last night. Something just didn't go quite the way I wanted or expected it to, and I was nearly knocked out of the dance. But I clung to what I could and did it. I just didn't think it had gone as well as it had in rehearsals, and I was slightly disappointed. But then Jess came backstage to help me get that dress off, which talk about a process, and she was all smiles.
I am so proud of you. I've never seen you dance like that. You did it. You made the leap, from student to professional.
I'm still having trouble comprehending that, what it means, but I'm ecstatic.
But I've noticed it, very recently, I'm dancing differently. I'm dancing more like I used to. I'm putting myself back into it without fear. And I'm stronger and my technique is better so it's not as much of a struggle as it once was. I really noticed the difference on Saturday when Jen and Olive taught Kun-Yang's class. I was just joyous and moving and owning it. It was fantastic. Once I found that, I've been determined to hang onto it. For the most part, I think I have, despite what corrections I've received that make no sense and contradict everything. Whatever. I'm happy again and I'm dancing and that's going to be good enough.
I think I realized something important about a relationship that is so crucial to my life at this moment...it isn't healthy. Most of the reasoning behind that probably falls directly on my shoulders, but blame aside, that's not okay. I need to step back and figure out what needs to happen to turn it around, so I don't get lost or hurt. Still working on what that means...but for now, it means dancing my way and taking only what I can. No more. No less.
I'd be remiss not to mention it, although for some reason, I feel no need to, despite the importance in my life that he has suddenly embodied. The changes in my dancing life correlate directly to him. I feel lighter, thinner, and yes, I mean that in a very literal and physical sense. I know that's crazy, but I really do believe he has something to do with it. I feel my size again and I'm dancing for me again and that's huge.
But I'm not sure how to admit it. He caught me thinking the other night (and unfortunately he already knows how to pinpoint the important thoughts in my face and ask me about them) and I told him I couldn't tell him. I physically couldn't get the words out. They got stuck in my throat. I could feel the lump and weight of the words sitting there, happy to remain inside me, fighting his coaxing them out.
He called me perfect.
He's taking me to an audition in NYC because he's frustrated that I can't go to the classes I want to, or see the shows I want to, or be the dancer I want.
He just got to know me and he is willing to throw everything to the wind as long as I can have my dream, my way.
And the craziest part of this whole story is that I don't question him. Not for a second. He's real. He's there. And I'm not afraid. I try really hard to make myself afraid all the time, but I'm just not.
If anyone can find a way to help the words out, he can. And I don't even fear that. I'm just interested to see how he'll do it and how long it will take.
I'm letting go. Finally. Of everything. I'm not afraid. I'm not side-stepping my life.
This is it
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Ostrich Confessions
So I don't have the video, although it does exist, but I just improved and discovered some really important things.
Class, rehearsal and a second rehearsal today after a weekend of concerts...needless to say I'm a little exhausted. Joking, I said that to my old teacher/friend at the beginning of his rehearsal (the second one in my lineup for the day). He forgave my exhaustion and the fact that I didn't quite know what was going on and just laughed with me. I caught up quick enough, so it wasn't a big deal...thank goodness.
He ended early and the studio was open, so I figured I'd use the time to work on one of the solos that I need to have polished in the next week. But, he didn't leave. He asked me about my life and somewhere in our chat wondered if I wouldn't mind fooling around and coming up with some material with him.
What an honor. Of course not.
Okay. I'm going to follow you.
Now, if I had the video, I could show you how I shook my head at him and told him I was absolutely not leading anything with him. And he still won somehow. Momentarily.
We start dancing and I realize...I'm terrified. What if I screw up? I am so not good enough to be improving with him. Ugh, my leg is not going to go where he wants it to. Why are our faces so close? Is this okay? What is he thinking? What am I thinking? Jeez oh man, why did I say I'd do this?
And then I realized...Cassandra, stop being an idiot. Just dance. You really can do this. You really are good at it. You love this. Who cares what's going on? He knows you, he's seen you dance, and he still asked YOU to dance with him. Just let it happen.
Immediately, some really great things started to unfold. It was like a relaxing game. And I came to the conclusion that I trust him immensely. There were a few moments that bordered inappropriate, a few lifts that could have spelled disaster, and overall it was a dance that I never could have imagined being a part of next to someone so incredible. But he trusted me to handle it and was patient with me figuring out how to trust myself. And for that, I had no choice but to trust him back.
A good 10-15 minutes later, we were giggling and he flat out said he missed dancing with me. A little bit in awe and star-struck, I could do nothing but say the same back, which is the obvious truth. So, I admitted to originally being terrified of dancing with him, which he claims to have not understood. I think it's obvious though.
We watched the video and he kept saying that he was just trying to give me his weight, and I wouldn't take it. I didn't know how to tell him that was when I was still at war with myself about what was happening. We didn't get to watch the part where I decided to just be. I want to see the whole video and hope the difference is visible.
My revelation for today is to stop allowing myself to become so afraid of the wonderful people and dancers around me that I stop letting myself do what I love to the extent that I love it. I don't know where I got the idea that hiding myself and playing it safe would be better. It's so completely not. I haven't worked this long and this hard to dig a hole and stick my head in it and I've never ever considered doing that until somehow, subconsciously that became my method of survival. That's crap.
Once again, it's about time I started trusting myself. It's kind of great when I do.
Breathe.
Just be.
Class, rehearsal and a second rehearsal today after a weekend of concerts...needless to say I'm a little exhausted. Joking, I said that to my old teacher/friend at the beginning of his rehearsal (the second one in my lineup for the day). He forgave my exhaustion and the fact that I didn't quite know what was going on and just laughed with me. I caught up quick enough, so it wasn't a big deal...thank goodness.
He ended early and the studio was open, so I figured I'd use the time to work on one of the solos that I need to have polished in the next week. But, he didn't leave. He asked me about my life and somewhere in our chat wondered if I wouldn't mind fooling around and coming up with some material with him.
What an honor. Of course not.
Okay. I'm going to follow you.
Now, if I had the video, I could show you how I shook my head at him and told him I was absolutely not leading anything with him. And he still won somehow. Momentarily.
We start dancing and I realize...I'm terrified. What if I screw up? I am so not good enough to be improving with him. Ugh, my leg is not going to go where he wants it to. Why are our faces so close? Is this okay? What is he thinking? What am I thinking? Jeez oh man, why did I say I'd do this?
And then I realized...Cassandra, stop being an idiot. Just dance. You really can do this. You really are good at it. You love this. Who cares what's going on? He knows you, he's seen you dance, and he still asked YOU to dance with him. Just let it happen.
Immediately, some really great things started to unfold. It was like a relaxing game. And I came to the conclusion that I trust him immensely. There were a few moments that bordered inappropriate, a few lifts that could have spelled disaster, and overall it was a dance that I never could have imagined being a part of next to someone so incredible. But he trusted me to handle it and was patient with me figuring out how to trust myself. And for that, I had no choice but to trust him back.
A good 10-15 minutes later, we were giggling and he flat out said he missed dancing with me. A little bit in awe and star-struck, I could do nothing but say the same back, which is the obvious truth. So, I admitted to originally being terrified of dancing with him, which he claims to have not understood. I think it's obvious though.
We watched the video and he kept saying that he was just trying to give me his weight, and I wouldn't take it. I didn't know how to tell him that was when I was still at war with myself about what was happening. We didn't get to watch the part where I decided to just be. I want to see the whole video and hope the difference is visible.
My revelation for today is to stop allowing myself to become so afraid of the wonderful people and dancers around me that I stop letting myself do what I love to the extent that I love it. I don't know where I got the idea that hiding myself and playing it safe would be better. It's so completely not. I haven't worked this long and this hard to dig a hole and stick my head in it and I've never ever considered doing that until somehow, subconsciously that became my method of survival. That's crap.
Once again, it's about time I started trusting myself. It's kind of great when I do.
Breathe.
Just be.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Awesomely normal
Where to begin? I'm burnt out a little. I took some time at home to give my parents some time away and it was phenomenal. It made me not want to come back.
My back is killing me. I went to the chiropractor back home and he thinks he can fix it. A mere issue of being all around unbalanced. Oh, okay. Just that. Him helping my back also resulted in my hip screaming at me. I can't decide which is better.
I actually did something right in rehearsal though. I was bombarded with corrections Sunday morning, before I'd even warmed myself up, running on 4 hours of sleep at most. I got mad. I thought about what was being said and what I could do to fix it. What is this piece about? The fragility of life. How we as humans deal in terrible situations, when all hope is lost, when we've reached the breaking point. I realized I'd been dancing scared...which is one way to approach that breaking point. But there's another way - anger. The why me? The attack. The drive to do anything necessary to bring things back to the way they should be. Frustration. Rage. Hunger.
So I figured, what the heck? It's worth a try...I suck anyway. So, I pictured figures from my past whose actions still have me furious, who I will never truly be able to get revenge on, who may not even know what they've turned me into. And I attacked. And I did good.
Rage. I have plenty. Without a doubt enough to get me through this performance.
And then there's this boy. There've actually been several who have tried to break through to me...and every time I run, right when they're about to get somewhere. I have it down to an unconscious science. But this one, he snuck in. He's already talked to me further than I should have allowed. He's already trying to save me, and I can see it. And I'm letting him, but I'm not sure how long I'll let it go. And it won't make any sense at all to him when I disappear and for that, I already feel guilty. And I started to last night with the guarantee to melt away my bitterness. With the belief that chivalry still exists. With the texting that accompanied me until I fell asleep with a phone in my hands. It's only a matter of time...
I'm reading this great book that Jess gave me called "women, food and god" and it describes me to a t. It would be so helpful if I could listen to it. I see the connections, and my problems, and while I believe the solution is all but blatantly spelled out on the page, I can't seem to find it. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I fear being in a place where I can know who I am and that whatever that is is ok.
Today, I read about past stories. The book is encouraging me to let them be just that...stories. They can't hurt me anymore because they're not real anymore. It's the first time that's really made sense to me...but I don't know how to let go. It insists that as soon as I do I can start living for who I am and what I want, need and feel now. That'd be great.
It also wants me to stop apologizing for who and what I am. I'm gonna try book. I really am...but it's going to take so much courage.
My back is killing me. I went to the chiropractor back home and he thinks he can fix it. A mere issue of being all around unbalanced. Oh, okay. Just that. Him helping my back also resulted in my hip screaming at me. I can't decide which is better.
I actually did something right in rehearsal though. I was bombarded with corrections Sunday morning, before I'd even warmed myself up, running on 4 hours of sleep at most. I got mad. I thought about what was being said and what I could do to fix it. What is this piece about? The fragility of life. How we as humans deal in terrible situations, when all hope is lost, when we've reached the breaking point. I realized I'd been dancing scared...which is one way to approach that breaking point. But there's another way - anger. The why me? The attack. The drive to do anything necessary to bring things back to the way they should be. Frustration. Rage. Hunger.
So I figured, what the heck? It's worth a try...I suck anyway. So, I pictured figures from my past whose actions still have me furious, who I will never truly be able to get revenge on, who may not even know what they've turned me into. And I attacked. And I did good.
Rage. I have plenty. Without a doubt enough to get me through this performance.
And then there's this boy. There've actually been several who have tried to break through to me...and every time I run, right when they're about to get somewhere. I have it down to an unconscious science. But this one, he snuck in. He's already talked to me further than I should have allowed. He's already trying to save me, and I can see it. And I'm letting him, but I'm not sure how long I'll let it go. And it won't make any sense at all to him when I disappear and for that, I already feel guilty. And I started to last night with the guarantee to melt away my bitterness. With the belief that chivalry still exists. With the texting that accompanied me until I fell asleep with a phone in my hands. It's only a matter of time...
I'm reading this great book that Jess gave me called "women, food and god" and it describes me to a t. It would be so helpful if I could listen to it. I see the connections, and my problems, and while I believe the solution is all but blatantly spelled out on the page, I can't seem to find it. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I fear being in a place where I can know who I am and that whatever that is is ok.
Today, I read about past stories. The book is encouraging me to let them be just that...stories. They can't hurt me anymore because they're not real anymore. It's the first time that's really made sense to me...but I don't know how to let go. It insists that as soon as I do I can start living for who I am and what I want, need and feel now. That'd be great.
It also wants me to stop apologizing for who and what I am. I'm gonna try book. I really am...but it's going to take so much courage.
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