Finally.

Ground-breaking events today. If you go back to my very, very first entry, I talk about the continuous correction to relax my shoulders. The reason I was so effected by that correction was because it came from a man who means so very much to me, who I am and the dancer I have become. I struggled, and still do struggle, with that correction. Never knowing quite what he wanted for me, I just became increasingly frustrated with myself for not being more moldable. I should be able to comprehend and fix whatever he's asking of me...but I never could.

Today after class, we paired up and paid attention to our partners' bodies, encouraging them to relax. Kun-yang was my partner. He held onto my legs and just gently spoke to me about how tense I was, how I needed to let go and relax. So I did. Still not enough. Still holding on. Then, somehow, the focus slowly shifted from my legs back to those damn shoulders. I tried. I pushed them down as far as they would go. I tried to make them disappear. More tension. More strain. He told me to stop thinking so hard. That was a lot of my problem. I can't always think things through. I just have to trust and feel them sometimes.

Then, he told me to breathe and to lengthen out my arms without muscling it. Open up your heart. He put his hand on my collarbone to help me feel it. And by God, I did it. My entire body changed. My neck grew about an inch. My ribcage dropped without me thinking about it. My arms were probably 2 inches longer each (which, I don't really need, but whatever). I felt open and beautiful. Me. I felt beautiful. I was terrified to move. Terrified that I would lose it. But, Jose Juan made me move. It was my turn to help Kun-Yang relax, which good luck with that. Not only do I now know that he is the tensest person on the face of the planet, but he never stops teaching. Throughout the entirety of me trying to repeat the massage techniques meant to release his body, he continued talking, using his own body to teach me about mine. He told me what he considered to be the "ideal" dancer. It's not me, don't get excited. But the cool part - it's not him either and he is absolutely stunning on stage. He then went on to tell me that people like us may not be flexible, or long and elegant, but we are strong and smart, and we can figure it out. It's just going to take time and being open to the possibilities and the new pathways that we'll find.

In the midst of his lecture, he stopped to tell me that he could see the change in me already. And I could feel it. God, I was soaring. I ran into the office to tell Jess, who had to tell me to calm down. I was in complete and total euphoria...and extremely late to rehearsal. Her reaction to me was interesting. She told me to calm down, that she could see it. My energy color was different.

Now, something you have to know about Jess, she is very into energies and chakras. Her M.F.A. thesis was all about it, so it's 100% normal for us to be having a conversation and for her to nonchalantly say that my energy color has changed. Don't really care if you get it or not, that's another discussion for a different time. However, her words stuck with me all day, and I've come to a conclusion. On several occasions, by several different people, I have been told that my third eye is the strongest, if not, over-dominating chakra. The color associated with it is indigo and this is the chakra that controls intuition, awareness, clear sight, wisdom and concentration. Today, I think I finally connected to my heart chakra. That color is green and it controls love, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and peace. What a fulfilling change.

And I think it was all possible because I was finally ready for it. I don't think this is the first time Kun-Yang has said the words, in fact, I know it isn't. It isn't the first time he's tried to help me. It's just the first time that I was ready to let him in and to understand what he was saying. It was the first time that I was ready to let go.

I'm so much at peace right now, with everything, I'm awestruck. I don't know if my shoulders are still in the right place, but I know that I found it once and it turned my day around. If I found it once, I can do it again.

I meet with Megan tomorrow. So excited to see where this goes.

"I'm sorry, who is this?"

Really. You couldn't save my number? After all of that. After everything. I finally call. I finally do what you say I wasn't good enough to do and you don't even know who's calling. Awkward.

But the best part - I don't care. I started laughing. Momentarily angry and then just light-hearted disbelief. I don't care. I'm not crying in a corner. It's done. Finally. It's done. I have no idea who you are anymore. You have no idea who I am. And it is done.

I can attribute that to so much. The biggest part, well, I'm dealing with being able to admit that one. I'm not there yet and I have no idea when I will be, but I want to say that at least 40% of why I'm okay is this project.

Thanks all for guiding me through this. Tonight, the stupidest thing I have done in quite some time (which is totally the product of being left alone in an empty house. I really can't handle alone time) was the biggest clue to how far I really have managed to come.

I'm very proud of you. Surprised and confused, but proud of you.

Playing poker with the rest of the stragglers.

I'm just going to write. Hang in there.

Everything is moving so fast right now. It's amazing, overwhelming, fascinating, confusing...everything I could have ever dreamed of, it looks like it's happening. Is it really happening? Am I imagining it?

I feel a little unsteady. Almost like I'm floating and I'd really really love to touch down, but I'm just not sure where the ground is. It always seems to be 2 inches lower than I'd planned.

I never ever expected to have choices to make. Traveling the world or the company of my dreams? Being a teacher, a choreographer or a performer? Making money, having a set routine and being comfortable, or really, really committing to this dance thing the way I've always wanted to? Family or my life? Me or the rest of the world?And some of those options aren't even straight forward. They overlap and crisscross and it just gets super complicated somewhere in there.

You know those shots in movies when everything is racing by but there's that one person in focus, standing completely still in the middle and just staring at the camera? Ya, that'd be me.

It's all wonderful, really it is. I am so excited. I just don't think I want to choose. I never planned on having to choose. I really, really wish I was Superwoman. I wish I could do it all. I want at least 48 hours in a day, and in those 48 hours I don't want to have to sleep...but, well, that's one thing about this world I doubt I can change.

I got frustrated in rehearsal today, not for my own work. I can't stand getting frustrated, and I know it's not the most fun for the person who's trying to work with me when I let myself get there. I know I shut down, and I try so hard to climb back out, but it's very nearly impossible sometimes. Right off the bat though, he had me in tears. I was so open, it terrified me. "This piece is about that point in your life when you get to that place where you can step back and say, ya, you hurt me, but it's not about you anymore. Forget that. This is about me. And that's okay. I'm not being selfish. It's about me now." Those weren't his exact words...but he said something like that, and he hit me, somewhere deeper than the ribcage. Immediately, tears. That is where I am. I'm at that point and I don't know how to deal with it because I am at that point with so many different people. But I can't seem to finish it. I can't seem to get to the other side of that statement where I believe what I'm trying to convey. I was so overwhelmed by how much I resonated with his words that I couldn't move forward with the dancing. I kind of needed to sit there and cry for a minute, because someone finally said everything I've been feeling out loud...perfectly. But I couldn't cry, I had to dance and I had to take corrections, which I was not taking well at all. And the worst part was he thought I was upset with him for correcting me. No. I was upset with me for being a bad dancer.

I went and improved after that. I talked to you. Don't think I've forgotten. Just because I didn't bother you at my usual late night hour, it doesn't mean I've forgotten. I have the money aside for that trip, but I can't decide if I should actually do it, which is absurd because there are three other people I want to see and I need to figure out how to take time off while keeping my sanity intact, so realistically, I'll probably do it. Maybe I just won't tell you. I mean, I'm scarred, legitimately, and no check-ups. That hurts, more than the attack itself, which ya, evidently had nothing to do with you, but do you really think so? Do you really think it makes it any easier for me? I think it's all ridiculous. Starting from a year ago. Our journeys, they're ridiculous. What are we doing? I don't know where it ends. I can't reconcile everything. It's like one of those 5,000 piece puzzles. I think I'm close to having the outline of it done, but to hell with that middle section.

In talking to you, I touched my heart so much, and my neck. I wound up on the floor, upside down, pelvis as high above my head as my short little torso would allow, with all my weight on my arms, and just when I'd hit the pinnacle of strength, I would collapse. I closed my eyes anytime I had to face where I imagined you standing, and would immediately open them when I turned away. At the climax of our silent, non-existent discussion, my back was what got it all out of me. I fought you. I screamed at the top of my lungs with my shoulder blades and spine. And when I was done, I walked away.

I'm amazed at how jaded you are. I'm 27 and have been through a divorce. I'm not even that jaded.

So what does it all mean?

And that right there is the question of a life time...literally.

And I'm trying to be okay without knowing the answer.

But as far as this project goes...I do have to start piecing together what it all means, and kind of quickly.

So, what I've arrived at thus far - emotions are an under-explored scientific realm because to many, previously including myself, they are not viewed as "valid" or "worth" research. However, this makes little to no sense because as human beings, one of the main factors defining us and making us what we are is the ability to think, process and feel the world around us in an emotional sense - be they positive or negative emotions. I even hate using those terms in reference to any kind of feeling because the connotations that come with the words "positive" and "negative" are so strong. By referring to anger as a negative emotion, you strip some of its validity away because people will immediately try to avoid anything bad and strive only for the good, aka happiness. Why do we do this? What is so wrong about feeling?

I do think I have figured that part out. Feeling, being honest and open and emotional, places an individual in an unbelievably, almost unbearably vulnerable place - take it from someone who had tried to stuff every thought and feeling that wasn't one I could justify as "strong" into a closet and prayed no one would ever dare open that door. But, hurtling myself into that vulnerable place has an upside. Put aside the tears and the heartache and the unleashing of everything that's been gurgling inside of me for a second and just take a look at what I've done. I've opened up. I'm telling the truth. I'm me, nothing more, nothing less. And, probably the best part of all of this - you have all accepted that and greeted my process with outstanding compassion, interest and support. I never anticipated that. I never anticipated the constant questions and "So I was reading your blog the other day..."

Which also says something to me. I mentioned to a professor of mine that I was alarmed at the amount of response I'd gotten from this blog, that I really didn't enjoy sharing my life with so many people. But she didn't hold onto the second part of that statement. She addressed me being surprised by everyone actually reading it and simply said, "Ya. They care about you and want to know what you're up to."

...Maybe...

But what I really think is that it says something about us. There's this interest to know what's going on internally within a friend...if I may call myself your friend for a second. Maybe there's an interest to understand what it would be like to open up and make yourself vulnerable. So, as a test run, you're watching me do it, and learning, and agreeing or disagreeing with whatever I think, feel or have to say about it. Maybe that's a little presumptuous. Maybe I'm out of line to say it. But bottom line, the truth is, it is extremely rare for us to be 100% honest with someone in a conversation about everything I've been doing in this project. And my hope is that all this writing and all this being uncomfortable and all of this putting myself on the line will help, myself and you. I want us to be honest with ourselves and the world and realize that whatever you're feeling is OKAY. Maybe it's right or wrong, but who the heck cares? You're still feeling it's better to own up to what you're feeling and face it rather than hide in a corner and try and get away from it.

And even if you do that, your body is going to tell the story no matter what. Every move you make, every thing you do, every choice all adds up to whatever internal story line is happening. Good, bad and in between. Bodies don't lie. Movement doesn't lie. And that my friends is why I dance.

The poster part of this comes next. How on earth do I fit all these thoughts, feelings and dancings on a piece of paper? Gonna have to get creative...hmm...

Hold on tight little girl

Picture this written on a napkin...because that's how it was really meant to be:

I've come to realize that while I no longer measure my days in thoughts of you

and the elapsed time since we last spoke,

I now measure my days in the elapsed time

since I last thought of you.

I've come to realize those measurements aren't all that different,

despite what I'd like to believe.

The number of days between thoughts is ever-increasing, but the fact remains -

I think of you.

We have no promises left to keep.

They've all long expired.

I really anticipated the end being the end and for this end to be finite.

Life is just full of surprises.

Thought you should know.

Picture all of this still floating around in my brain, because that's where it is:

Here I am, sitting in a Starbucks lacking in air conditioning, bumming their internet because after weeks of living in this new house, I am still without my technological connection to the world. I delegated not to dance today. I've gone the past 3 weeks and danced for multiple hours every single one of those days. There is no day off in sight for me any time soon, and after what could be called a traumatic weekend, I just can't bring myself to do it today. Everyone says I'm justified. Everyone says I need a break, but I still feel incomplete. I still wish I didn't need the break. I still wish I was dancing. But, after several near breakdowns today, I know I need the time and space.

So, again, here I sit. One iced latte gone. Contemplating a second. Anything to calm the hurricane of thoughts and feelings inside me. I want change. I want out. I want anything. Anything but all of this. Craving stability. Starving for safety. But that isn't the life I chose. Time to accept the hand I've been dealt and play the game the best I can. Steadily figuring out that life is nothing but a game, and you never really grow up and figure it out. Sure I'll learn. I'll get the routine down. I'll make little kids think I know what I'm doing, just like you all did to me, but it's becoming more and more clear that I may never really know.

And all I'd really like is for someone to show up and hold me, just out of instinct. Just out of feeling me. Feeling all of this energy that is pouring out of me and begging for some kind of contact. For the first time in a long time, I want to be held, and I don't want to feel like whoever it is will ever let go. I want the comfort of knowing that I don't have to shoulder everything on my own.

That or a rubber room. Either one will do the job today.

Just typing this, I can feel my heart pounding. Maybe it's the caffeine, but I doubt it. These past few days I've become so internally aware. I can feel everything going on in my mind and body to such an extreme, it's overwhelming. I want to dance about it, but I am taking the day off. I am taking the day off. I am taking this day off. And that's final, Cassandra. You are taking the day off.

All of this, well it's written in my journal:

Emotion was not thought to deserve research efforts in the psychology field for a while.

Emotions follow regularities (laws).

Emotions arise in response to the meaning structures of given situations; different emotions arise in response to different meaning structures.

Emotions point to the presence of some concern.

Emotions are elicited by events appraised as real, and their intensity corresponds to the degree to which that is the case.

Emotions are elicited not so much by the presence of favorable or unfavorable conditions, but by actual or expected changes in favorable or unfavorable conditions.

Continued pleasures wear off; continued hardships lose their poignancy (emotions don't last).

Loss of satisfaction does not yield a neutral condition, but positive misery. Loss of misery does not yield a sense of normality, but positive happiness.

The intensity of emotion depends on the relationship between an event and some frame of reference against which the event is evaluated.

Fear can go on forever; hopes have limited duration.

Emotions tend to be closed to judgements of relativity of impact and to the requirements of goals other than their own.

Every emotional impulse elicits a secondary impulse that tends to modify it in view of its possible consequences.

Whenever a situation can be viewed in alternative ways, a tendency exists to view it in a way that maximizes emotional gain.

(Emotions in Social Psychology)

And this can be found in my planner:

My first rehearsal with Megan took place in an Applebee's. We ate, and talked and laughed and complained and shared stories of both fear and delight. In two weeks, we'll have our first movement rehearsal, and I cannot wait to finally put some of these pieces together.

Now, I'm off for a haircut. This has been one long six+ months of awkward. Here's hoping some change will do me good.

So this is who I am...but what am I doing?

As always, I've been doing some further research concerning the piece. This portion was actually prompted by Kento. In our last meeting, we got into some huge tangent about personality types, and he started discussing a type called "The Romantic." Of course, I was immediately turned off by that and jumped to the conclusion that what he was about to say had absolutely nothing to do with me, except that perhaps it was the total opposite of who I was. And then he started describing it...

Here is the research I've done since that talk on what it means to be a romantic according to the 9 point personality system.

The Romantic is the Point Four Personality, also considered a personality ruled by the heart. Their main drive is the feeling and idea that "something essential is missing from life," and their never-ending quest is to find what that is. Their vice is envy, which leaves them overly focused on the difference between themselves and others, "You're always worrying that others may have gotten a better deal than you or are being recognized while your talents are being overlooked."

As a romantic, a person wants to be gifted, original, unique, passionate, true to their feelings and authentic. "Your idealized image is that you are accomplished and special." Romantics are painfully self-conscious and have a self-deprecating sense of humor. They feel their own inner world powerfully, which can at times lead them to be perceived as self-centered and allow them to forget those around them. They are also characteristically hyper-sensitive, temperamental and tend to over-personalize all life experiences. Intense and contrary at times, they're not afraid to think for themselves and are often, "blessed with a strong sense of the dramatic and/or aesthetic." They are motivated by the need to understand and to be understood.

Romantics are, "Nostalgic by nature, you often focus on past experiences." They have an uncommon sensitivity when it comes to suffering and are not afraid to hear about others' troubles. At times, their attraction to the darker emotions can make them appear melodramatic and/or depressed and is often perceived as "too much" by others.

They will do anything to avoid feeling lost, disoriented, without personal significance, meaning or direction, inadequate, defective or flawed. There is a hidden fear of being emotionally cut off or abandoned. With this comes a need to express deep feelings and have others give them validity. They believe that everyone is an individual and all emotions are valid.

The greatest strengths of this personality type are intuition, creativity, and the ability to transform painful life experiences into opportunities for growth and healing.

Advice given for romantics - DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST, AND REMEMBER TO ENJOY THE PLEASURE THAT CAN BE FOUND IN EACH MOMENT.

Now tell me that all of that is not me in a nutshell and does not clarify why I need to do this project to a T. The one bit of research that I have yet to come across that I am eagerly awaiting is about those romantics who deny themselves the functions of their personality. This is when I really started to listen to Kento. There are those who get frustrated with the reality of being driven by emotions and cut themselves off from it. These people become increasingly angry in denying who and what they are. I think that's what I'm trying to bring myself out of. That's who I am/was and I'm taking the baby steps to accept that I have a heart and I am driven by it.

Who knew?...me...a romantic...

And now that I've had my personality explained to me, would someone please sit me down and tell me what the heck I'm doing with my life? Please?

What's love got to do with it?

Terrible realization and answer to that question - everything.

A good friend of mine, and someone who I admire very much and have always looked up to as kind of a big brother in the dance world, is working on his thesis. He has always, always pushed me. Every piece I've danced for him has proved challenging in an always evolving way. Not one has provided the same challenge, but each time I am asked to work with him, I know that he will test me in some way, shape or form. The piece before this was nothing short of the most exhausting physical challenge I have ever been handed. Before that came a performative challenge - becoming the believable character he wanted me to be. This time, I think it's mental and emotional. Although early in the process and perhaps jumping the gun in making that judgment, I do believe that's where this is going.

I didn't realize, until verbalizing it to him yesterday, how much I debate his piece in my head constantly. It's not my piece, I can't give you all the details, but I don't think he'd mind if I told you that it has something to do with that dreaded four letter word...love. God, I just really suck at love. Seriously.

Anyway, one of the things he said to me in rehearsal that stuck is that he wants me to start, "living the truth instead of performing a truth really well." Yes, I know the difference, theoretically. But as the dancer I was trained to be, that line is something I struggle with. Especially when it comes to this subject matter. Ugh.

But, after talking to him about it, even only briefly yesterday, and considering his work even more, as usual, I realized, I have shut myself off from love. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't even want to hear about how other people are happy and in it. I actually have this terrible habit of silently laughing at anyone who is telling me about their relationships, thinking them foolish, especially if it's a new and exciting relationship. I am a 21 year old cynic, through and through.

Sure, I'll tell people what has, had or hasn't happened with me, but I do it as a kind of protocol. I'm expected to. I can't stand talking about it. That whole stoic, strength thing I've got going, love does not fit into that picture. Love is for children. It's that dreamy, star-gazing in wonder sort of look that little girls are allowed to have. And then you grow up, and realize it's no fun, and only the weak fall for it. Why on earth do I need someone to rely on? Or take care of me? Or tell me I'm not good enough? Or rip my heart to shreds? Or call me at night to give me a hug over the phone? Or completely ignore my attempts at communication? Or actually be there in person to hold my hand? I don't.

And that my friends is the key to me figuring this out. Love is a valid experience and emotion, just as much as anger, hatred, excitement, jealousy, anticipation and happiness. I can't force love upon myself. I can't walk out the door and say, "Today, I will find Prince Charming," and make it happen. But, I can forgive myself.

What better way to do that than go dance about it? Sorry, camera isn't charged...this one is for me.

Rambling

I've been considering why I keep putting myself on the line? What's the point? Why do these things to myself - take risks that I know will probably just drive me crazy and not end the way I'd hoped, leave myself with good memories that will just haunt me as they fade into the distance, and overall just add more doubt to a life already full of it? I was so happy. I remember this time last week being joyous. Amazing how quickly things can shift.

I told you I would be beyond repair and utterly stressed. It just happened later than originally anticipated.

It's all part of the journey though. I'm crying more. I'm laughing more. I'm admitting to what I'm thinking and feeling more, even though I may not care to always think about what I'm really thinking and feeling.

And, somewhere in the past week, I decided that I won't apologize for who I am anymore. If I want to do something, I'm going to do it, and there is absolutely no reason that I should have to think twice about it. I am allowed to be a person and act on what I need to in order to give myself peace of mind. I deserve to have people respond to me, both positively and negatively. It's all going to work out in the end, and hopefully along the way, I'll keep creating interesting tales to tell when I'm old and grey.

An amendment to my last entry - that wall, it's not the same one. It's up, or at least most of me would like to think it is, but at least every other brick has disappeared. I can see through it to the other side, even though I continue to pretend I can't. Even though I continue to pretend no one else can see through it. In the back of my head, I know they can. It's terrifying and freeing. My mission - take enough bricks out to crumble the Jenga tower before the end of this process. Here goes nothing...