What do you want?

Hello darling.

And there you were flashing that smile again. But boy, did you make me cringe. Not only does "darling" sound artificial from you, but I could go a good long time without ever being called "darling" again. I know Cassandra is long and somehow impersonal in that kind of exchange, but please, find a new name for me.

That was two days ago. Then last night, sitting, eating, brought my plate back to the dishwasher to return and find her in tears. How awkward is that? The girl who attacked me, who I actually got the guts up to sit next to and talk to is sitting there crying. I still haven't forgiven her. I still have scars. So what am I supposed to do?

Well, as I have been lately, I swallowed my thoughts and became the grownup in a situation where I should have been allowed to be the child.

I'm sorry, you just have to know what happened.

I froze. Caught somewhere between relief and rage. She's pregnant. Okay maybe not. Something happened. She went up to see you and that explains everything, even though the timeline makes no sense at all. I can't make the math work in my head, but that has to be it. At least there isn't something wrong with me. You're just in a mess and handling it like a child. Nothing to do with me. Thank God and how dare you.

Why did my head go right to you? Again? There's something wrong with me. Really.

Surprise, surprise, it had nothing to do with you. She finally just meant her apology, and I could see that. I am so beyond grudges at the moment. The queen of holding grudges has had to let go lately in order to survive. So, if I have something against you, now would be the time to talk to me because I don't have the energy to fight back and I'll more than likely forgive you. Open door people. Once in a lifetime chance. Take it or leave it.

We watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" in improv this morning. What an amazing movie. Cinematically and artistically - eh...but conceptually - my mind is blown and I am inspired to restart. This time, I'm gonna do it right. I hope...haha.

Some key points of interest from the movie in regards to my life and this project:

The brain doesn't know the difference between what it actually sees and what it remembers - so what is reality?

Atomic particles pop in and out of existence constantly which makes them more like a thought than the matter we understand them to be.

Instead of recognizing the world around us as things, we should see it as possibilities.

A study by a man conducted on molecules of water resulted in those molecules changing form in response to a single word taped upon their test tube. A thought reconstructed the molecule. Our bodies are 90% water. Imagine what a mere thought can do to us.

People who have been through a lot in their lives tend to operate in an emotionally detached place or as if today was yesterday. In either place they are not operating as an integrated whole.

If you can't control your emotional state, you must be addicted to it.


There is no such thing as love with a specific person. There is only being in love with the anticipation of the emotions you're addicted to.


Emotions aren't bad, it's the addiction that's the problem. It is a biochemical addiction just like an addiction to any drug. 


With my head and heart full of all of this new found knowledge (who knew quantum physics had morphed into a field full of such humanity?) I'm out to change who I've been lately. I'm ready to be who I want to be and I'm taking control again.

One month left to my college career. I can't even fathom what that means.