I never saw your face

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=k0EYl-2fUkQ

I just woke up from a horrible dream...and thus am missing ballet because I didn't wake up to an alarm.


I remember sitting in a diner, or something, and knowing it was Philly. I was at school, but it wasn't quite like Temple, it was a dream version. There had been rumors that you were sick, in the hospital, but nobody seemed really worried about it. I don't know why I didn't go see you. Something was wrong with your heart, and I knew that. I should have gone. 


Back to the diner, and Melissa was across from me, in tears. I couldn't fathom what was wrong. And then Stacey showed up, and the way she looked at me...heartbroken. I was the only one smiling and confused. There was something I didn't know. Come to find out, that's because everyone deliberately didn't tell me.


Then Melissa did. "He's gone. McIlvaine's dead." 


No. No. No. I felt the smile die in me, but I kept it on my face. Everyone's eyes on me while I try to make sure I don't look distraught. Still trying to smile. "Oh, okay," was all I could say, nodding my head.


Everyone tried to reach for me, to talk to me. 


"No, I'm fine. We're good. I'm just going to go this way." As I scooted my way out of the booth and into Lynnia and Paul who came out of nowhere.


"It's true," she looked at me and said. I could see the pain in her eyes but also her measuring me, waiting for what I would do. Those words set off so many memories and pictures in my head - just like in the movies before a character dies. I looked her in the face, took a few steps away and ran. I screamed at the top of my lungs and ran as hard and as far as I could, ending up on the beach with the waves to drown out my screaming. I think I was crying, but my lungs hurt too much to recall. 




And then I woke up. Late for ballet. Scared to death. Out of breath. Phone in hand, texting you. It's saved as a draft because I'm still not sure I feel safe or better at all, but I can't bring myself to send it. I feel so weird. My head feels so weighted and full, if I could cry I probably would, and my heart is light and nervous. I hate waking up from nights like that and not being able to know what's going on.


I hope you're okay.