Confused

You look beautiful.


She said to me after a class I've been struggling in for a few months now - doing a phrase I've been struggling to make myself look like everyone else in for almost the same duration of time. I couldn't believe it. There's my perfect little friend calling me beautiful...how can she look herself in the mirror, see me next to her and call me beautiful? It meant so much to hear her say it though. It means all my struggling, all my head games, all my awkward body adjustments...they've paid off somehow. Thanks, Rachael. I think I can try to go into rehearsal and dance that phrase now and do it my way.


That was beautiful.


Say so man people after we leave the stage from my senior piece. Again...really? Another thing I've been wrestling with mentally and physically...and you all liked it? Sigh of relief...doesn't mean my work is done, but at least I can keep going and feel okay about it now.


I posted that video of the stairs, but I didn't tell you where it came from. I believe I  had a total and complete panic attack Monday night. I was called into work while I was dying costumes, and I had no idea I needed to work. So I dropped everything and got myself ready. In the process, I dumped a cup of coffee into all of my dresser drawers and immediately was sobbing. The back story to all of this is the realization that I really am leaving Temple. I really am starting life. Everyone decided that Monday was the day to remind me. I mean EVERYONE. I keep toying with the idea of whether or not I'm ready, and the resounding answer is HELL NO. Without Temple, I don't have a cushion. It's not okay to be fat, or have big shoulders, or be figuring myself out. I need to be something. 


And then yesterday, I still felt a little bit like the world decided to sit on me, and we were at our last showing for our pieces before tech week begins, and I was very nearly a disaster, but thought I was hiding it well. Then Sophia decided to talk to me about leaving. One more reminder that I'm done and that I'm doing it solo. But she had great things to say, and made me feel so much better.


You are so far beyond this place. You have been for a while now. If you stayed any longer, it would be ridiculous. There's nothing left for you here. You need to go. You're ready.


Coming from a blunt and sometimes harsh person, don't get me wrong, I know you have a good heart...but still, sometimes blunt and harsh...that made me feel so much better. 


I came home last night, determined to do work, and couldn't concentrate. I had finally relaxed after what was a hellish two days, and just needed to sit and stop contemplating everything. So that is precisely what I did. No gym. No dance. No work. Just Supernatural, a few beers, and Due Date. 


You're back in my dreams again...consistently, aside from the nightmare. It's annoying. Last night, you showed up again and pulled the same crap that worked back in August. You asked how I'd been lately. I responded tartly with "confused." Then you put a hand on my shoulder, I had my back to you, and asked, "and now?" I closed my eyes, inhaled and said, "confused."  


And as my eyes opened, you released your arm.