Finished making sense

I finally, finally got to sit down with Joellen and talk through the piece, and it was so helpful. She used words like undulant, calm, relaxing, transformative and therapeutic to describe what Megan and I have been doing. She also said she'd never seen us move like that, which is awesome coming from the woman who's worked with me on various things for four semesters now. She also pointed out that she could see the change we underwent from the beginning of the dance to the end, and the changes I've undergone from the beginning of the process to now. And, once again, she made the point that this process has been extremely important, maybe more so than the piece itself. It was so nice to hear feedback and for it to be positive. A little more challenge, a little more criticism, a little more push - that all could have been good too, but I just needed someone to tell me that I did something okay.


I'm sick again. I don't have time for this. And it came out of nowhere. Stupid.


I would also love nothing more than to run away. I don't care where. Or how. I'm just done here. I'm over it. I need a change of scenery. 


Are you okay, honey? You're just not yourself lately.


Alright, so I'm not crazy. That is true. Thank you someone for seeing it. Here it is guys - no, Kayla, I'm not okay, and I think you know that. I can't do it. I can't keep relying on people who don't follow through. I am trying to juggle four different lives at the moment, and if everyone else could just maintain the one or two lives they're in, it would all work. But at the place I'm in right now, I can't pick up slack, especially if it's not my own. And I am asking, begging for help, and I feel a little shut down. This is why I just do things by myself. This is why I'm alone. I like it better that way. 


And my whole world collapsed yesterday right before I had to go into work. So that was great. And I got myself up on the floor only to have things get worse. So I just shut up, put myself in the shop, and started tying ribbons and putting tissue paper in gift boxes. I don't even know if any of it was necessary, but at least I didn't have to try to socialize. And then your hands on my back. I don't know how you always know, but you're always there when I need you. And I came back. It's nice to have some semblance of family still left in that place.


I'm sorry, for everything. My decision wasn't right. I shouldn't have let any of it happen. I don't think you care, but I do.


And man, if I could keep my end of the deal, you would be getting a face to face earful at the moment. It isn't fair that now is when you chose to be everything I was afraid you were, and to prove everyone else right, because now is exactly when there is nothing I can do about it. So, peace. I'm over it. See you.


For the person I end up screaming at: I am sorry. You probably don't deserve what's coming. You're receiving a myriad of inner frustrations and struggles that I just can't contain anymore. Whatever happened, you probably only were a very small fraction of my issue and just unfortunately ended up being the last I could take. 


I know it's coming, so I figured I'd get that out of the way now. 


I have videos but couldn't upload anything to Youtube yesterday. Just that kind of day. I'll work on it.