Don't hesitate

Okay. I've been dramatic.

I want to apologize...but that's not what I'm allowed to do, is it?

I'm not 100% better today, but I'm better. I'm dreading rehearsal, but one step at a time. At least I'm not in tears.

And I've come to a very important decision. They are not going to take this away from me. I know that's not what they're trying to do, but it's what they started to do. Over the past few days, I just kept thinking, "why couldn't I have been passionate about science?" Never in my life have I thought that. And ya, that made sense to be thinking. Science is guaranteed money. Maybe not the most thrilling life, but solid. Struggles, of course, but not pain accompanying the struggles. It would be way easier.

And then I remembered, I don't want easy. I want this. And I always have. And that isn't going anywhere. So there it is. If you don't want me, don't want me. I am this. I will get better. I will always try my hardest. But ultimately, I am who I am, and I have never wanted anything more.

You are dance.

Thanks, Mom. I remember now. And I'm going to go do it. I'm going to do what I do best. And I'm going to do it my way - heeding their corrections but I'm not going to let the corrections hinder me anymore. Worse comes to worse, I dance for myself. For the rest of my life. Someone, somewhere will like that. And if not, I will. Maybe that will be enough.

So, chaos in the upcoming week. I know that. But I found an audition. And I'm going to find time for it. I need to get back in my swing. Start doing what I need to do for me. I know most people don't get it. Most fear auditions. But I love them. I am most myself on stage or in an audition - the two places where I really let go because in that moment, you can't hold on. There's no way. So next week, I'll do both. And I'll do them how I want to. Well, I'll audition how I'll want to. This time, the stage may be different...

Deep sigh. I do feel better. Still tired, still a little out of it, but I'm back. That was rough.

You should call today. I won't say stupid things...well that's not true. I'll always say stupid things.