You are supposed to be you.
Says a mother trying to comfort her child who is once again crying in public on Temple's campus. Telling you, this article is going to be massive and cover the entirety of campus by the time I graduate. I was at least stationary and in doors this time.
I'm supposed to be me. I've been contemplating that since she said it because as crazy as it sounds, that was the last thing I expected to hear. I've been told to be so many different things recently that I forgot I can make my own decisions. I am capable of being who I am. It's gotten me this far, so it can't be awful.
Yesterday started fine. It was unexpected and not the way I thought my day would go - I wanted to be away from everyone and evidently everyone wanted me to be near them - but I adjusted and it was a good morning. Then our first senior showing, and I knew I would get ripped apart. I knew it couldn't be perfect. I knew that if it didn't get ripped apart, that was probably an issue. I didn't expect to be the only one who would have to run their piece twice. I didn't expect the depth to which I was ripped apart. I didn't expect to hear, "I don't know what it's about."
I also didn't expect to be pulled aside in the end, already a little crushed, to be told that I look "young," dancing with the company and "not right." Same freaking correction as always. I don't feel it. I think I'm doing it. I am trying with everything I have to do it, and apparently still look bad. "Too up in your shoulders, drop your weight, I think it will help." Well good god, isn't that what I've been working on since freshman year? And now I have no desire to go on stage in a week. Not at all. If I look bad, don't put me out there.
I realize I'm being challenged and I more than accept the challenge, but I am so overwhelmed with the amount of people challenging me. All looking for the same thing, but asking me to get there in very different ways.
So we're back at me crying on the phone with my mom at this point. Had to pull myself together for rehearsal. Eventually I perked up and was back to having fun in one of the only spaces I can these days. Then I saw my phone...no way he called.
But he did. And he had good news. And I am so wiped, so completely drained that I couldn't even process the news I've been waiting to hear for over a month. I couldn't even be a friend and give the right reaction. What is wrong with me? Those are the exact words I've been waiting for, and I still screwed up. How long did I have to anticipate that?
So I apologize...to no avail. Okay. I'll see you soon anyway.
I need a hug.
And then I wake up this morning, 5 hours of sleep later (which is a lot for me these days) and feel like someone is sitting on me. I really have no other way to explain it. So I mentally go through my day, trying to find some form of break so I can fix whatever's going on with me...but no. Contemplate unemployment, realize that I wouldn't be able to eat, so okay, I'll get tonight off. Nope. Wrong. You're just gonna have to keep trucking, kid.
Go to Dunkin' Donuts, tears streaming down my face. I can't even control it at this point. Is this what crazy people do?
Rehearsal. Better.
Then class. "You're supposed to be you," stuck on repeat in my head. So, I choose to be me. I choose to let go, just like they're all asking. I choose to just dance and let myself feel better. And you know what? About 5 seconds in to my freedom, I get another freaking correction, the one I get when I let go. "Shoulders Casssandra."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - I just wanted so badly to scream and keep dancing my own way. But, he doesn't know me. He wouldn't see that as a manifestation of my frustration and need to release. He would think I was just unprofessional and rude. So I contain it, put my shoulders down, and go back to my checklist.
And this, right here, is why I feel trapped. I don't know how to win guys. I don't know how to do what you're asking.
Here's the potential second version of the piece, to be presented October 21st. I'm still trying to figure out how to make it more dangerous, how to make the audience a participant rather than just an observer. But I like this better...it'll do for now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-kctU9qjTk&feature=youtube_gdata_player
No comments:
Post a Comment