This cup of coffee could never be big enough for today

So far this summer, I have made over a handful of radical choices for my life, and been handed over a handful of amazing opportunities. Each one of them has come fully accompanied by their own list of issues and concerns were that to be the path I took. However, better than the baggage these choices carry are the hopes and dreams that carry them. Even as amazing as it all is, it doesn't stop me from being afraid. It doesn't stop me from sitting down and thinking about every tiny detail and how it could all blow up in my face. Somehow, preparing myself for the worst makes me feel safer. Almost as though if I acquaint myself with the terrible possibilities, they won't be so hard to deal with if they happen, which I doubt is true.

But that still doesn't mean I regret any of it.

And I forgot to mention that alongside that part of my brain screaming at me from my last entry is a part of my brain sitting back in awe, quiet, watching, anticipating and beaming.

The response I've been getting from this thing I'm doing has me in a place of continuous amazement. Last week, a girl I mentored sent me a message thanking me for being so open and for saying all of the things she thought and felt but couldn't quite say. My question for you is - why can't you say them? Then, the ex-boyfriends, who read and love to talk to me about it. People who should want nothing to do with me anymore, or maybe that's not true, are still reading my words and interested in this journey I'm taking. Again - why? Then, the Diamond Scholars day, where I had the entire room lit up into laughter, and engaged when I talked about moments that really moved me, and asking all the right questions about what I'd forgotten to mention. Never in my entire life have I felt so connected to such a large group of people I know so very little about. Me describing my project to my manager and her responding with -"That's so mature of you." Are you sure? I'm not. This boy everyone has been asking me about because of my last entry, which by God I'd love to take down at this point but I'm sticking to the rules and trying to revel in the attention, sitting me down to say we needed to have a discussion. If you could have seen my face. The "Oh God, I already screwed up." The panic in that moment. I HATE discussions, of that general sort anyway, because I need to talk emotions - irony. And this leftover hemming and hawing because we never had said discussion, but the clarity that moment of sheer panic brought me. And then last night, being approached by the most unlikely of people about my blog, about my last entry, about how great it is that I am doing this and being so open and being myself. Again, the respect in the word choice and tone...why?

I've come to the conclusion that what I am doing should not be so respected. It should be mundane. It should be what everyone does. Commonplace. This is the way it is, this is who I am, this is what I think and feel, I am going to tell you all about it and best of all, you are going to have to listen. I'm highly alarmed that all of this is taking place online as well. When I was in middle school was the same time that all of this internet social-networking crap started. At that point, it was the cool thing to go online and whine about your miserable little life. Looking back - not cool. Not even a little bit. And here I am, ten years later (I can't stand that I can say that) doing the SAME THING, and the over-arching reaction I'm getting is one of deep rooted respect and almost an, "I wish I could do that too," feeling. I still don't think that's deserved. The one and only reason I'm using internet for this is because I don't know how else to reach out. I can't call everyone I know all the time to tell them all of this. We don't live in a world conducive to such a time commitment. But, if I do this, some of you will read it at 2am, when your day is finally over.

And I cannot believe how many of you are reading it. It's terrifying. I never thought you would.

But, as for audience participation and reaction, I am so going somewhere with this piece and with this project. This has been a rewarding, horrifying and wonderful thing to force myself to do. This definitely doesn't die in December. This thing I've been doing, this follows me for a while I think.