Put your life in your left shoe

You're a small town beach girl who's close to her family. With hopes and dreams. Difficult and complex.

I am terrified. I know it's silly. I know you all think I'm overreacting. So many of you have already called me ridiculous or crazy. But it's my family. I will not lose them. I won't even risk it, ever again. Joshua is worried about his legos floating away. I'm worried about him floating away. And they won't listen. They say they can't, but as far as I'm concerned it's a won't. I'm literally fine one minute and in tears the next. I mean, how do you react to your mother calling you and telling you to write down all of your information and your emergency contacts on an index card that should be kept on you at all times, just in case? And knowing that she's already done the same for your siblings. And knowing that they are so much closer to harm than you are. And that he can't even swim yet. And that she could have some kind of seizure or something and be done. So ya, I'm crazy. Everything is fine. You're all right.

And just for the record friends, my life is not here for your entertainment. Not in the respect that you get to sit there and pick at it and make jokes all night because the restaurant is slow and there's nothing better to do. Especially not when I'm already a mess. Because you know what? I'm happy. I am finally happy. Jess even said it in rehearsal, "It's nice to see you happy." Agreed. I was dancing and living the moments. Before you all started in on me, I was beyond content. This is why I second guess things. You guys fill my head with all these doubts, and now it'll be twice as hard as it already was. So thank you for that.

Oh and Mr. I'm-not-gonna-save-your-number-or-acknowledge-your-existence-but-it's-definitely-okay-for-me-to-show-up-at-the-restaurant-you-work-at-that-I-don't-even-like-that-much...NO. That is not okay. You and your family are SO lucky that I didn't see you walk in that door somehow. Try it again. See if you're so lucky again.

Obviously, I'm angry and upset, with a lot of people.

But, then there's still this thing going on in the back of my head. He looked back. He got in that taxi, I walked away and he looked back for me, afraid that I'd gone. Aside from the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past two days, I look crazy. I'll be sitting there, waiting for the bus and some random tidbit of conversation will come back to me, and before I can conceive controlling it, I'll be smiling ear to ear. Something as simple as "Switch your bag," and something as big as...well...I don't know if I believe he said that.

Again, I swear to you, if it's a game...you know the deal.

And in talking to Michael yesterday, who I've realized has become a huge part of my life. He's this routine person that I need to see and talk to. I want to hear what he has to say and I cannot wait to tell him things. He's quickly becoming a close friend. Anyway, in talking to him, he said he'd read my blog and it made him realize that this isn't where he is anymore (I love when people tell me I've made them think about their own life). It's fine to be where I am, he's just realized that he isn't. He's moved past it - the need for validation. And he told me that it's going to come down to me being able to admit, "This is who I am and I love me for that. That's it." He also said that it isn't about knowing the end result, it's about going through the process and reaching that moment - "Oh, this is me." I think I knew that. And I'm getting there.

It all goes back to our conversations from the weekend. He told me I was coming into my own - more dramatically of course, but that was the gist of it - that in the time lapse since he last saw me (a little over a month?), I'd grown up. I've been trying to figure out why, but I'd noticed the difference in myself too. People had hinted at it, but no one had flat out said it like that before. You're right. All that growing I needed to do in the last year. I did it, just in about 3 weeks. I think it's this, and the responsibilities I've been given, and the people I'm surrounding myself with, and although you hated when I said it, you catapulted me into it. The proof that I was getting somewhere with myself.

And Michael, you called my blog beautiful. I can't tell you how much I couldn't believe that. I would've protested if it was just you and me there. I still don't buy that this is as great as you all say it is.