I can't stop talking today. As miserable as I was at 6am, I can't shake the smiles and need to talk. Her eyes all kinds of softened when I shared my thoughts. The approval there and knowing that I wasn't crazy because that approval never would have existed if there was anything funny in what I was sharing. I am allowed to feel like this. I am allowed to let it affect me. I might even be allowed to give in, which like it or not, I think I already did.
Epic. Interesting.
I kind of have A.D.D. at the moment. I can't focus on a specific thing to talk about. I'm just bouncing around in my head, half wishing I could rewind and half wishing I could fast forward. Maybe it's the coffee. Or the lack of sleep.
Okay, focus. The beginning. That's where I start.
I have not been anywhere near as stressed as I was Sunday in a very, very long time. I woke up in tears, just not able to handle myself or the world. Got myself together, sort of, ran to rehearsal and rebroke down as soon as I got there. My entire body was crawling - restless and helpless. It was a terrible sensation, but just another highlighted display of the physicality of emotions. Out of rehearsal, running home to bake for our party. Thank God my roommate knew exactly what was wrong and got me everything I could have ever hoped for. Baking calmed me down, as it always does, but sadly you wouldn't have known it. I was that bad - the calmer version appeared no less stressed than the actual version. Started setting up, and the hints that all my fears were about to be realized drove me nuts. I made a deal with myself - if you survive until 11, you'll be okay. No one would show up after 11, not even him. And then, as per usual with my life, 11:05, he walks in the door, literally just as my body had calmed down. I have not been so angry and distraught and unsure of myself in a long time. I took so many walks. Lynnia chased me so many times, but I just needed to get the energy out of me, and I couldn't very well dance with over 30 people in my house.
Three serious talks later, split between 2 people, I felt better, assured and back to normal. Oh boy did it look bad though. And with no way to prove that it was harmless, I had to just take the "screw you," attitude and deal with whatever everyone decided to throw at me.
Realizing I'd really messed up, again, at the studio the next day. Verbally announcing how much I needed a punching bag. Talking non-stop until I finally heard what I was saying. Coming to the realization that I could deny it all I wanted, but the truth was still very much alive. Annoying. Soothing. What the hell, life?
Rehearsal with Megan for this piece, and we finished it (!!!!!!!!!). Telling her everything that had happened and not knowing what to do, not out loud anyway. Dancing with her, putting the piece together. The safety there in that space. The openness it allowed me to find. Feeling the answer in my gut, and knowing everything I wanted to say. Just hoping that I would find the courage to say it later, courage I never needed because he beat me to saying all of it and then some.
Going out, nervous as anything. Completely and totally terrified of what I could find. Deep breaths on the bus ride there. Butterflies again. Ready to puke butterflies in fact. The look I was greeted with upon arrival, and seeing the set up. Double date style...except I'm not on a date. I can't be. Catching what he's saying to other people, whether or not that was his intention, and understanding why he looks miserable. Still attempting to keep a distance though, despite everything I'd actually like. Feeling at home and safe with these people. Knowing that this is how we should be. Everyday. And for the most part we are...it's crazy and wonderful and amazing that we can go away and come back and still be this. And I'm really only on the fringes of it. They're a family, and they compliment and torment each other so perfectly, it's beautiful.
Another serious discussion. Well, another serious talking to. I didn't say much. I just listened, if you can believe that. All kinds of confessions that I didn't know what to do with, and then the words I've needed to hear for about two months. Again, maybe it's a dancer thing, but I didn't have words for that moment. All I could do was move from my distant place to the hug we'd waited for.
And then the decision to take the morning off. The longest date of my life. The longest walk I've ever taken in this city. The craziest, most typical and yet so unexpected methods and conversations ever. So safe, comfortable and open. Even in silence.
Pure happiness.
And exhaustion.
One more time, what the hell, life?
I have a video for you all from that first rehearsal where we put it all together. This is us figuring it out...as we always will be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn53UXD2M9g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nn53UXD2M9g
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