In briefly discussing a few of my high school experiences with Michael the other day, all he had to say was "Wow, that's emotional battery." Not like Energizer bunny battery, like could be arrested for beating someone up battery. It's been a long time since someone has validated everything I feel about that time in my life, and it's absurd that I still need that validation, but I do. It was a wave a relief to hear someone say that. Little do you all know, what I went through still has me completely twisted. I can't comprehend relationships and how they are supposed to work. It was the beginnings of me learning that I was not enough, but somehow I was everything everyone wanted, but still not enough. And yes, it was emotional battery. Never, have I ever physically been abused, but emotionally, I've been devastated.
I've been very attune to my energy in relation to those around me in the past few days. I find the ability to affect each other without words fascinating and so powerful. Last night was big for this. Working, training the new girl, in a perfectly good mood, giggling and happy and somehow full of energy. Invited to go out with a few of the new guys and a few of the old friends...oh ya, and then the people that hate me too. Weird mix. Creepy guy pulls me aside right away, and the new ones don't know me well enough yet to know when and how I need saving. Creepy guy brought creepy professor along. Awesome. Talking about all kinds of things I am so uncomfortable talking about with that particular group of people. Awesome. Actual friends get there. Better. Leaving, to go nowhere else. Lots and lots of walking. A few stragglers. The offer for a ride home that I couldn't accept. More walking. Worst combination of people possible. My energy had fallen at least an hour earlier. It was noticed by one because I wasn't talking, but by another because what I was sending out was being received. I am so sensitive to energies and can easily overwhelm those around me with my own energy if I am not careful. Last night was one of those nights. I didn't mean it and I tried to reign it in, but it was of no use. It was nice to have a connection with someone at least, despite how off I was.
Then today, I met with Megan to work on the piece. Both of us were in a very strange place. I hadn't quite been able to shake the energy drop I'd gone through the night before. I just have too many unanswered questions floating around, cycling endlessly through the exhaustion that is what remains of my brain. She was going through different things but they led to a similar feeling. I am so glad that I had already decided on the two of us improvising together prior to seeing her. It was exactly what we needed and what the piece needed. We have always been able to throw energy between us like crazy. I have never encountered someone so sensitive to me and so able to easily affect me. I remember a rehearsal from last spring where we were instructed to start using our energies more to tie us together. Megan hit me so hard, despite the several feet of space separating us, that I immediately broke into tears and needed to stop for a second to ground myself again. It changed the whole way we approached that dance. And tonight was no different. This improv got it all out. It was therapeutic, beautiful, intense, scary and the silent conversation we needed between us and the world.
Thanks for being my friend, Meg. I really needed you tonight.
First video I have to share in quite some time, and I am so excited for you to see it:
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