I'm supposed to be doing research for the company, but I can't focus. This is the first research I've had to do since graduating, and while I sincerely am interested, it's such a foreign process somehow. I'm also not interested in the way that I usually am - eager to learn about something I don't really know. I know this stuff, basically, and am just finding myself increasingly frustrated by the lack of attention that has been given to something that truly is important and should be viewed as such by those who run it.
So, I figured I'd write. Maybe if I get it all out of my system I'll be able to focus.
I performed a solo for Jess last night. It's been a long time since I've felt so connected to a dance, and not in my typical way. It doesn't really transport me anywhere, or make me feel beautiful, or make me sincerely angry, or help me process anything...it just feels like home. I don't know how to explain it, but I belong in that solo.
The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
I found that quote yesterday and I can't let go of it. It's what the piece is for me. When we first started, Jess told me that it was about broken things and how they can still be beautiful, and of course immediately, I was in. Something like that, you figure I would get super emotional. I figured I would. But I don't, not when I'm dancing it. It just is. Matter of fact. This doesn't quite go the way I want it to, but it is this, and this is going to have to be enough. In fact, I am going to make this better than enough. I am going to make this beautiful.
I felt a little uncomfortable with it last night. Something just didn't go quite the way I wanted or expected it to, and I was nearly knocked out of the dance. But I clung to what I could and did it. I just didn't think it had gone as well as it had in rehearsals, and I was slightly disappointed. But then Jess came backstage to help me get that dress off, which talk about a process, and she was all smiles.
I am so proud of you. I've never seen you dance like that. You did it. You made the leap, from student to professional.
I'm still having trouble comprehending that, what it means, but I'm ecstatic.
But I've noticed it, very recently, I'm dancing differently. I'm dancing more like I used to. I'm putting myself back into it without fear. And I'm stronger and my technique is better so it's not as much of a struggle as it once was. I really noticed the difference on Saturday when Jen and Olive taught Kun-Yang's class. I was just joyous and moving and owning it. It was fantastic. Once I found that, I've been determined to hang onto it. For the most part, I think I have, despite what corrections I've received that make no sense and contradict everything. Whatever. I'm happy again and I'm dancing and that's going to be good enough.
I think I realized something important about a relationship that is so crucial to my life at this moment...it isn't healthy. Most of the reasoning behind that probably falls directly on my shoulders, but blame aside, that's not okay. I need to step back and figure out what needs to happen to turn it around, so I don't get lost or hurt. Still working on what that means...but for now, it means dancing my way and taking only what I can. No more. No less.
I'd be remiss not to mention it, although for some reason, I feel no need to, despite the importance in my life that he has suddenly embodied. The changes in my dancing life correlate directly to him. I feel lighter, thinner, and yes, I mean that in a very literal and physical sense. I know that's crazy, but I really do believe he has something to do with it. I feel my size again and I'm dancing for me again and that's huge.
But I'm not sure how to admit it. He caught me thinking the other night (and unfortunately he already knows how to pinpoint the important thoughts in my face and ask me about them) and I told him I couldn't tell him. I physically couldn't get the words out. They got stuck in my throat. I could feel the lump and weight of the words sitting there, happy to remain inside me, fighting his coaxing them out.
He called me perfect.
He's taking me to an audition in NYC because he's frustrated that I can't go to the classes I want to, or see the shows I want to, or be the dancer I want.
He just got to know me and he is willing to throw everything to the wind as long as I can have my dream, my way.
And the craziest part of this whole story is that I don't question him. Not for a second. He's real. He's there. And I'm not afraid. I try really hard to make myself afraid all the time, but I'm just not.
If anyone can find a way to help the words out, he can. And I don't even fear that. I'm just interested to see how he'll do it and how long it will take.
I'm letting go. Finally. Of everything. I'm not afraid. I'm not side-stepping my life.
This is it
No comments:
Post a Comment