Ostrich Confessions

So I don't have the video, although it does exist, but I just improved and discovered some really important things.

Class, rehearsal and a second rehearsal today after a weekend of concerts...needless to say I'm a little exhausted. Joking, I said that to my old teacher/friend at the beginning of his rehearsal (the second one in my lineup for the day). He forgave my exhaustion and the fact that I didn't quite know what was going on and just laughed with me. I caught up quick enough, so it wasn't a big deal...thank goodness.

He ended early and the studio was open, so I figured I'd use the time to work on one of the solos that I need to have polished in the next week. But, he didn't leave. He asked me about my life and somewhere in our chat wondered if I wouldn't mind fooling around and coming up with some material with him.

What an honor. Of course not.

Okay. I'm going to follow you.

Now, if I had the video, I could show you how I shook my head at him and told him I was absolutely not leading anything with him. And he still won somehow. Momentarily.

We start dancing and I realize...I'm terrified. What if I screw up? I am so not good enough to be improving with him. Ugh, my leg is not going to go where he wants it to. Why are our faces so close? Is this okay? What is he thinking? What am I thinking? Jeez oh man, why did I say I'd do this?

And then I realized...Cassandra, stop being an idiot. Just dance. You really can do this. You really are good at it. You love this. Who cares what's going on? He knows you, he's seen you dance, and he still asked YOU to dance with him. Just let it happen.

Immediately, some really great things started to unfold. It was like a relaxing game. And I came to the conclusion that I trust him immensely. There were a few moments that bordered inappropriate, a few lifts that could have spelled disaster, and overall it was a dance that I never could have imagined being a part of next to someone so incredible. But he trusted me to handle it and was patient with me figuring out how to trust myself. And for that, I had no choice but to trust him back.

A good 10-15 minutes later, we were giggling and he flat out said he missed dancing with me. A little bit in awe and star-struck, I could do nothing but say the same back, which is the obvious truth. So, I admitted to originally being terrified of dancing with him, which he claims to have not understood. I think it's obvious though.

We watched the video and he kept saying that he was just trying to give me his weight, and I wouldn't take it. I didn't know how to tell him that was when I was still at war with myself about what was happening. We didn't get to watch the part where I decided to just be. I want to see the whole video and hope the difference is visible.

My revelation for today is to stop allowing myself to become so afraid of the wonderful people and dancers around me that I stop letting myself do what I love to the extent that I love it. I don't know where I got the idea that hiding myself and playing it safe would be better. It's so completely not. I haven't worked this long and this hard to dig a hole and stick my head in it and I've never ever considered doing that until somehow, subconsciously that became my method of survival. That's crap.

Once again, it's about time I started trusting myself. It's kind of great when I do.

Breathe.
Just be.