Astray

My horoscope is telling me not to let love lead me astray today. Love is so vague though. I am very much in love with very many things. And I'm not even sure I can find a single person who can accurately define love in such a way that anyone else on the planet will agree with them verbatim.

Love. Right.

My whole life I have loved dance. Adored. Admired. Sacrificed. Dance, if you know me even a little bit, is my everything.

But it got unhealthy. It took me away. Astray, if you will. And I knew it. And I didn't fight. Okay, I fought a little, but I let it consume me. That's what I'm supposed to do.

And then, I was shown that I could have a normal life. I deserve everything I've ever wanted. But that takes me away from dance.

There's got to be some middle ground, right? No one can feasibly be in the studio 24/7 and still support themselves with a roof over their heads.

Maybe that's just it. Maybe being in the studio all those hours is more important than the roof. Hell, if I can't afford a house, I can't afford food. Bet I'd lose the weight then.

But what about other people? Can I be so self-centered as to lose myself again? What about the friends and family who all but wrote me off? What about the ones who actually did because I was too focused to call them back? What about the small chance that I'll find someone who wants to spend time with me? Don't I have a right to want to give time back?

And good God, what about me? Have you seen me? Covered in bruises and scratches and scars. Battle wounds, yes. Do I wear them proudly? You bet. Proof of dedication? Absolutely. But, will I ever look normal again or will my skin be lost in a sea of scabs?

I can't eat without feeling guilty. Not a thing. No matter how healthy. I immediately feel bloated. I try hard to hide it. No one else needs to deal with that. I obsess over the amount of physical activity I get in a day. I relish in the moments I can spend with him, but I spend the following hours trying to make up for lost time and calories.

That can't be normal. How far is this going to go?

When did I stop being enough as I was?

I'm beginning to realize that as a person, I am. As a person, I am so happy right here, right now.

But, as a dancer, I'm not.

I'm scared I'll never be.

What then?