Awesomely normal

Where to begin? I'm burnt out a little. I took some time at home to give my parents some time away and it was phenomenal. It made me not want to come back.

My back is killing me. I went to the chiropractor back home and he thinks he can fix it. A mere issue of being all around unbalanced. Oh, okay. Just that. Him helping my back also resulted in my hip screaming at me. I can't decide which is better.

I actually did something right in rehearsal though. I was bombarded with corrections Sunday morning, before I'd even warmed myself up, running on 4 hours of sleep at most. I got mad. I thought about what was being said and what I could do to fix it. What is this piece about? The fragility of life. How we as humans deal in terrible situations, when all hope is lost, when we've reached the breaking point. I realized I'd been dancing scared...which is one way to approach that breaking point. But there's another way - anger. The why me? The attack. The drive to do anything necessary to bring things back to the way they should be. Frustration. Rage. Hunger.

So I figured, what the heck? It's worth a try...I suck anyway. So, I pictured figures from my past whose actions still have me furious, who I will never truly be able to get revenge on, who may not even know what they've turned me into. And I attacked. And I did good.

Rage. I have plenty. Without a doubt enough to get me through this performance.

And then there's this boy. There've actually been several who have tried to break through to me...and every time I run, right when they're about to get somewhere. I have it down to an unconscious science. But this one, he snuck in. He's already talked to me further than I should have allowed. He's already trying to save me, and I can see it. And I'm letting him, but I'm not sure how long I'll let it go. And it won't make any sense at all to him when I disappear and for that, I already feel guilty. And I started to last night with the guarantee to melt away my bitterness. With the belief that chivalry still exists. With the texting that accompanied me until I fell asleep with a phone in my hands. It's only a matter of time...

I'm reading this great book that Jess gave me called "women, food and god" and it describes me to a t. It would be so helpful if I could listen to it. I see the connections, and my problems, and while I believe the solution is all but blatantly spelled out on the page, I can't seem to find it. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe I'm so set in my ways that I fear being in a place where I can know who I am and that whatever that is is ok.

Today, I read about past stories. The book is encouraging me to let them be just that...stories. They can't hurt me anymore because they're not real anymore. It's the first time that's really made sense to me...but I don't know how to let go. It insists that as soon as I do I can start living for who I am and what I want, need and feel now. That'd be great.

It also wants me to stop apologizing for who and what I am. I'm gonna try book. I really am...but it's going to take so much courage.