Everything's different

"To prove to myself once and for all that I am good enough and I deserve to be happy."


I wrote that on the wall in the Kimmel Center last New Year's Eve. I was bound and determined, very heartbroken and a little bit hopeful on the adventure of a lifetime with a friend who'd seen it all. 


It's hard having someone you've trusted your entire existence to look you in the face and tell you that everything you are, everything you could ever be, would never and could never be enough. It's even harder having the best support group in the world there to tell you that you're beautiful and exactly everything you should be when every bone in your body believes that you aren't. The nightmares, reliving him listing all of your flaws -  real, exaggerated and completely fabricated - there comes a point when they seem more real and that moment is more true than anything anyone can ever say. And suddenly you're sick. You believe all the awful things he said. You deserved all the awful things he did. You can't sleep. Eating is hard. There's circles under your eyes from the exhaustion and the tears shed around the clock. 


And you wake up one day and realize that this isn't you. And one jerk does not get to do this to you. But that in the few minutes it took for him to do this, it will take you days, months, maybe even years to recover. But it's time to recover.


And that was last year's resolution. It's not over, I still have a lot of work to do, but I at least know that I deserve to be happy, and most days, a lot of me thinks I'm good enough. Or at least alright enough.


This year, I don't know if I have one. Something about love comes to mind. I seem to be on some kind of journey to figure it out. But I'm fighting with every fiber of my being to not have my resolution have anything to do with love. So then dance comes to mind, but I can't figure out what I really really want to gear everything towards that will somehow be new for me. So then there's the weight thing, but I'm already working on that. 


So what is my New Year's Resolution?


I found this awesome quote today about how we shouldn't be looking for flaws to fix, but instead for areas of potential. I think that in and of itself is something I can use for a resolution. They aren't flaws...they're areas of potential. All of it. Everything I'm upset about. Everything in my past and present that hasn't worked the way I really thought it should. Anything that I would normally do that whole Eeyore thing about...maybe it doesn't have to be like that. Okay...shit happens. We all know that. But it happens for a REASON and I have always believed that. So what good can I get from it? What lesson can I take away from it? Or what could be waiting for me because of what I've experienced? 


I'm not saying I want to become Mrs. Sunshine...but maybe if I can try to find the strengths instead of the flaws. Maybe I can change things then. Maybe it'll all work out just how it should, no looking back, no second guessing, no regrets.


Happy New Year everyone! Here's to living down the Apocalypse...I hope...