Dorothy

This time of year is my favorite, by far. It's filled with all kinds of childhood memories that warm my heart  in a way nothing else has yet to. My fondest of those are probably of Christmas Eve, and what comes to mind initially isn't the presents, but my family. They're wacky and crazy and we don't really keep in touch the way we should, but Christmas Eve always brings us together. For the most part. Well, it used to.


And it was all because of her - my Nana. When I was little I wouldn't go near her without my mom or dad pushing me in her direction. I thought she was weird, and stuffy and overall just disinterested in my life. I wasn't like the rest of my cousins - I wasn't very loud, I didn't look for trouble, in fact, I was usually the one my aunts and uncles could get the information out of. Not that I was a tattle tale, but scared of breaking rules - oh ya. But she made Christmas Eve magical, and we had so much fun those nights the majority of the time.


The year after she died, we found a few presents hidden in her closet waiting for the special night. She worked, up until she got sick and really couldn't anymore, and she worked only to save it and spend it all on gifts for her 18+ grandchildren. Each year, one or two of us would get an extra special gift, and I can say that happened to me a few times. One year it was skis for my family so we could go on a trip and Brittany and I could really learn how. One year it was a beautiful painting of a ballerina, that I'd made fun of earlier in the evening not knowing it was mine. And this final year, when she wasn't around to smile as I opened the boxes, she gave me a Coach bag that I still have safe and sound somewhere, and a statue of a ballerina and a mirror that she herself had painted. My mom and dad have that statue in their room, and I can't wait to put it and the painting somewhere perfect in my own home someday. 


So what do all those memories add up to? Christmas without her - now for the 6th year in a row. They've gotten progressively better, I think we're just adjusting to the way it is now and letting go of how it used to be, and I still can't decide if I'm okay with that. But I voiced something about the holiday to someone that I've never actually said aloud before the other day - 


"My family doesn't have a lot of money, but they deserve it. Ever since she's been gone, I've tried to fill her shoes a little bit and take really good care of them on Christmas. I know it upsets them sometimes, and my wallet hurts for a little bit, but it's so worth it."


I have always, always wanted to be just like her when it came to Christmas. Her name means "goddess of gifts," and she really, truly was. 


So, Nana, I don't really get to dance on Christmas for you, but I promise I'll look after them. As long as I do that, a little part of you is still here with us. 


Merry Christmas everyone. All my love.