Reflection

I feel a little bit like I'm fighting myself and I'm not winning. It's funny, my Grama always said I did that and that it made no sense. "If you're going to fight yourself, you might as well win."

If only I knew how.

It's to the point where I can't admit what's wrong. I am very nearly positive that I know what it is, but I can't really be that stupid so I can't say it. If I say it, it's real, and the "I told you so's," will be never ending.

Why can't I lose weight? I'm scared to death of going on stage in this belly shirt in two weeks. I have been at the gym almost every day. I'm not eating as much. I'm eating better. I just don't want to be the fat one on stage. So, until then, if I could walk around in a sports bra all day every day to get myself used to whatever I'm going to be, I would. I wish this isn't what I was going to be.

You know that scene in Black Swan, the night before her opening show when she's in the studio rehearsing and the pianist ditches her, saying, "I have a life." And then her reflection creepily looks at her when the lights go out. Aside from the insane, creepy reflection, I feel like that. I feel obsessed. I don't want to do papers anymore. I don't want to do busy work. I don't want to run shows. I want to be dancing, in the gym or reading about something pertaining to a piece I'm creating. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of laundry. I'm tired of the emails and text messages and phone calls. I'm tired of waiting for the only phone call I really want. I'm tired of anything but figuring out what's going on in my dance life.

Am I regressing?

I think I'm avoiding dealing with what's going on in my life outside of dance by attempting to disappear into dance. Not attempting, successfully disappearing. But, I can't find what's wrong about that. It's what I'm supposed to do, right?

I really don't know.

Off to class and two rehearsals...and work...

http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4o0pyi0yi#/watch?v=ecIQ9e-bGB0