Potentially, there will be a lot more people on here due to the show program. So welcome if you're new! Here's my life, on display, all in the hopes that I can dig myself out of the heartless hole I'd created for myself about a year ago.
Oh...that's what this feeling is. It's been a year...wow. I will always be amazed at the muscle memory of things like that - important, life-altering dates - and how it precedes the actual memory. And here come the tears...I've waited for it to be a year for a...well I guess for a year.
And that explains the dream...
Okay. Took a walk. Loaded the dishwasher. Grounded myself. Ready to write again.
Let's talk about yesterday. It was opening night for Doris Says... last night, and boy oh boy talk about stress. I had to go pick up chocolate pizzas from work, which took 30 minutes longer than it was supposed to, making Megan and I over an hour late for call, which everyone was okay with except me. In those 30 minutes at work, people asked about the show, but no one said good luck, no one tried to help me get what I needed so I could just get there, the only thing anyone did was punch me in the stomach and tell me how awful my outfit was. Sometimes, it really is just like high school in that place, and I was done with high school before I even went to it. Those friends have yet to see me flip out, but they were close yesterday. I was about a minute away from losing it.
Then, I got to Chi MAC, and all I wanted was a minute to myself to center, focus, and do my hair and makeup. But, I am in so many of the pieces that right away it was "Cassandra, can you do this? Cassandra, you need to be here. Cassandra, run this dance. Cassandra, what happens when the lights go out?" Again, about a minute from losing it. And I wasn't even upset with them. I knew we needed to do all of that. I just wanted to do my makeup.
Thankfully, they forced me to dance. I needed someone to make me before the show started. We ran Michael's piece and I'm beginning to find that as difficult as it was/is for me to wrap my head around his concept, I feel very much at home in that dance and I can always find myself when I'm doing it. In the middle of running it, and me still being a bundle of stress, I heard Michael, out of nowhere, right next to me say, "You look beautiful doing my work." I could've cried. The look on his face too. That kind of proud joy that someone gets when they're looking at a person they've watched grow - a person they know that they helped grow. I completely messed up the next three steps after that because I got so stuck in how perfect that moment was and how much I never expected to hear those words. You know those minutes in life that happen and you know, right there, on the spot that they will stay with you for at least a very long time? I will never forget how that very simple statement made me feel for as long as I still have my memory.
Showtime. First two pieces - done. They went well! mEmotion is up next. Dear God. I was a disaster backstage. Anyone can ask Megan. She'll tell you all about it. I couldn't sit still. I told her I didn't want to go on. It really should've been on video, I'm sure it was a funny few minutes of anxiety.
My first words to the audience, in darkness - "I have a confession. I haven't been this nervous since my junior year of high school." Which was true. The piece of information that they were missing is that the last time I felt like I did last night on stage was the first performance I had to do after my Nana died. I was a wreck, then and last night. For obvious reasons back then, but last night, I just didn't want the people out there to watch me, or listen to me. I even went so far as to beg the audience to close their eyes. Kun-Yang, Ken, Jillian, Chris, Beau, Michael, Justin, my peers...everyone who is important to me. Everyone I look up to. Sitting there, watching a dance that is the total opposite of anything I have ever done. Sitting there, watching me put everything I have on the line.
But we did it. And it was awesome. I stumbled. But that was only the beginning. The partnering was amazing, and everyone said congratulations.
Then Michael's piece. I felt like a mess. The strings from the costume kept going in my mouth. I bumped into Linda. Oh and then, I fell, flat on my butt. Not even kidding guys. And I didn't even pull it off well because I tried to save it about 3 times. Sweaty feet combined with a slick floor never amounted to anything positive.
I avoided talking to everyone after the show. I actually went out of my way to get around the audience so that I couldn't talk to anyone. Then, I saw him coming my way and I was in a corner, with no way out. Kun-Yang actually sought me out. And he was the one person I was seriously avoiding. But, he had nearly only good things to say. Again, a shoulder correction - not directly but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant. He says there are still things I'm working out, which is completely true. But then he told me how happy he was to see me perform, and that I've made a great deal of progress. I'm finding myself and he is so excited to see where it takes me. And then...he told me that I found it. In Michael's piece. I figured it out. And I'm open. And he watched me. My two greatest struggles this summer, come together, and I figured it out. Again, all but in tears, and so excited, I jumped to give him a hug, like I would hug my dad. And I was beaming. I finally relaxed and finally let go of all that stress.
One more show tonight. I hope everyone can be there. As much as I love my dance family to death, and their presence was certainly enough, so many more of you are so intertwined in what I'm doing. I know why some of you can't be there. But I'd really love for the rest of you to see this...even though I'll probably beg you not to watch once you get there.
I'm wondering if I'll ever get used to what I'm doing, or if it's always going to be this scary, unnerving, daily challenge.
You are wonderful.
If you could've seen my face when I read that...bright red. What else is new?
No comments:
Post a Comment