I should've started writing yesterday. I've been in a strange sort of funk for a few days. Physical exhaustion, mental confoundedness, and emotional distance has just left me...well, not me. I wake up, early, very early. I leave. I go dance or take a class. I rehearse. Or I work. I'm so tired that my head starts to hurt and it feels like someone is trying to retract my eyes back into my skull, and I go home to my bed, to begin the process all over again the next day. And not any part of that is easy, aside from the dancing because I at least enjoy that part. I feel like myself in class. But then I'm out of class and realize how alone I am lately. How isolated I've become. No one is with me on this journey I'm taking this last semester. I went from having a family and seeing the same people every day to having me, my bags and a few random hellos and short words with people who know me but can't get through to me because I always have to go.
It's just...a lot. And nothing. At the same time.
Then I woke up this morning, I got to sleep in until 8:15!, and was greeted by the sun. It felt so beautiful flooding my room. Took my time getting out of bed. Noticed how heavy my body feels, but solid. Mental note to figure out how to lose weight, be strong and be flexible all at the same time...and I've got a month to do it. Great. I walk down the stairs to get my coffee and am greeted with another little Facebook reminder that I haven't been forgotten. Smiles. Although, this time, maybe it's the other extreme. It may be that I'll be remembered a little too permanently, but I'll deal with that later. And then I realize...today's the 10th. She's been gone for 6 years, which should be sad, but I should be okay with. It's been 6 years for goodness' sake. But for some reason, I can't handle that today. Immediately I break down, just praying Lynnia and/or Paul won't decide to get up and walk down the stairs just then. Sobbing, I run to the shower to calm down. I just want to get away. I think maybe, aside from the horrible anniversary, I'm beginning to realize that my life is being decided, and it's everything I've ever wanted, except maybe I'm not ready for that. I'm tired of being responsible. I'm tired of being what I'm expected to be. I just want to be free. I want what I don't have yet. So I want to go get it. I debate leaving, right then and there, and of course, because I am responsible and I am what I'm expected to be, I shower instead and go to rehearsal.
And then barre this morning - Craig you doubted that I'd never said I look beautiful, and I swear to you that's true. I've never been that sure of myself to admit that I'm beautiful, mainly because I don't think I am, but this morning I felt it - I felt beautiful. And I danced for you, Nana. I wish I could tell you that there's never been a show that I haven't thought of you before I went on stage. I wish you could have seen all those shows. You never even knew about Kun-Yang or the crazy dream I chased after, but it's happening, and I wish more than anything you were here to see it. I want to know what you'd think of me. Would you be proud of the person I grew into? As a little girl, I always looked forward to growing up for you and knowing that I'd done right by you. I was never sure I'd actually manage it, but I wanted your approval more than anything. I wanted to bring a boyfriend to you and have you hate him. And I wanted to know when you thought I'd found "the one." I wanted to hear you tell me to stop fussing over boys and concentrate on dancing, because I could do it. I wanted to understand you, and I wanted you to understand me. I hope you can look down and smile at what I've done, who I am. Through everything we've all been through these past few years, I have always thought of you. I really wish I could tell you that.
Kun-Yang started to tell me about the length I'm finding after class today. I felt at home at the studio. It's what I needed. When I'm there, I can forget that I may or may not be losing myself this semester. When I'm there, I can find who I am again. Thank God.
So I don't really know what I'm getting at here...but I'm on edge friends. And I miss you all. Those here with me and those long gone.
I wish I had the time and space to improv. I feel like it would be a really great one today. But the best I could do is the fountain on Passyunk, and if I starte dancing and sobbing out there in public...well I don't really feel like dealing with the Philly Police today. So I'll probably just finish my latte and head home.
All my love.
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