The sum of nothing

"And I thought, you have to draw the line somewhere."

You absolutely do. Lines are drawn everywhere, everyday, and for you, they should have been drawn a long time ago. But you couldn't see it, and you couldn't do it. So I did. In a horrible, unexplainable, inexcusable fashion that I will never be able to take back. One that I can never erase. Damage that neither of us can forget. Damage that you can forgive, but you know I can't.

But please, oh please don't ignore it.

Call me out on what I am.

Something.

Nothing.

Don't dance around your stories when I ask why a friend could go back to someone so horrible, who had so clearly hurt him so awfully when he deserved only the best.

"Well...you know...she was just...young...and confused...and she probably just wanted something else. Even though...he's the nicest person in the world...he wasn't enough then."

Even three states apart, a phone call away, I could hear your pauses and what you actually wanted to say.

"Well, Cassandra, she is just like you, you know? A bitch. A total and complete asshole. She was just like you. Under the pretense of being young. Acting like she was lost and confused. Completely and totally using what was right in front of her when convenient and then completely and totally ignoring him and you probably just wanted something else. Even though I'm the nicest person in the world, and he's the nicest person in the world, everything I gave you and the fact that I'm the only one who has loved you from the beginning, I wasn't enough then...so I guess he wasn't enough then."

My boots are incredibly heavy, dear.

So much so that I fear tomorrow I may be incapable of lifting my legs.

But you wouldn't know what that means. Oskar would.

But you wouldn't know Oskar. I wish you did.

Oskar Schell. The most important 9-year old that I'll never meet in my life.

Granted, Joshua is the most important 9-year old in my life, and he always will be.

Something.

Or nothing.

Just scream at me already! Have at it. I know what I am and what I was. I need to know that you do too.

So put me in my place. Just let me have it.

I bruise easily. Just like Oskar. But maybe we can move backwards. If you scream, I swear these bruises will go away.

I need you to yell. I need you to hate me. I need you to stop protecting me. I need you to be human, instead of perfect.

You have no idea. I wish you could be in my head for five seconds. Just five. Any more and you might run screaming.

I want you to look me in the face when you do it.

And then I want that big bear hug I've always held my breath for. Don't you dare apologize. Just lift me off the ground for a second. Just make me feel my size.

And I want to go home, to the beach, to their beach, to our beach. I want it to be there. I want that lifeguard stand where I tried my hardest not to look at you, for fear of the inevitable. I knew it would be over then. In the best way possible. But I knew I had to hurt you first. And I couldn't stand that.

But I want that lifeguard stand to stand.

I want it back from wherever it was stolen to.

Nothing.

I want you to remember everything. I want you to have all the pieces. I can put the puzzle together and see our story for exactly what it is, what it has always been and what it will be. I want you to be in on it. Because it is so beautiful. Because I am so bruised. Because you need to know everything.

Because I can't hand you a key to make you search for a lock so that you will talk to everyone who has a piece of our story. It spans my entire life. You need to meet everyone.

I want my mini-golf games. I want my kids to go everywhere I went. For the first time in my life, I want to go home in a way I can't describe.

And for the first time in my life, I cannot get home.

I want to scream at a mirror. I want to hold you.

And everyone is worried about me, worried about my life.

What about the lives that are over? What about that which will never exist again? What about the lives that are in danger?

Stop worrying about me and just scream at me already! I can take it. I'm strong. I need to hear it.

But I bruise easy.

And it might be something.

But it's probably nothing.

http://m.youtube.com/?client=mv-google&reload=3&rdm=mcth144ds&rdm=mcy2866zo#/watch?v=kkHUW-cqVW4