Lesson #:Forever

Before I began this project, I had a blog. It was called "Life Lessons Learned the Cassandra Way." Canny right? Well, I thought so.

Obviously, each entry served as a different lesson learned, and as per usual with me, none of it was learned in an effortless fashion. If ever there was a clear sunny path with a giant neon sign that sang out in soprano, "Cassandra, this is the direct and easy way to a glorious existence," I swear to you, I would still go left down the dark, gloomy, terrifying path that was experiencing some sort of weather catastrophe. It is just the way I work, and I am slowly learning that.

So, as per usual, today sufficed as another difficult lesson. I'm not sure that I can call it learned and I'm not sure that I have solved the riddle, but I can at least recognize the giant singing sign that says, "Hi! I am yet another display of the same problem you keep running into. Are you ready to figure this out yet? If not, I'll just keep popping up as often as possible. Cheers!"

The question is, do I maintain artistic integrity and turn down a job that is beneath me and will not help me grow, or do I humbly accept said position recognizing that it is paying far more than anything else I may hope to find at this point in time. What is more important: my hopes and dreams? My dwindling belief that I can seriously pursue dance and a stage life? Or the harsh reality of this world - dance is not a "grown up" job. Not the way I've been doing it.

I still can't stomach that. So I have my answer. I just feel like a spoiled brat not being able to appreciate what limited opportunities I am being given.

But my question is...wouldn't it be worse to sell myself for less than my worth? My self-esteem is all but shattered. You can ask just about anyone. I don't like myself, and it's horrible admitting that, knowing the weight that carries, and knowing above all else its truth. However, that being said, if I think and feel to the depths of my being that I am better than this, that I can do more and that I deserve more, then it absolutely must be true.

Isn't it always better to struggle for what's right than to settle for what's easy?

I wish I knew the answer, without a doubt. But if you look at my life and the way I have always lived, it is beyond evident that I believe that to be true, with everything I am.

I just want my time. I want to know what it's like. I want to experience everything I can to the depth of what it is.

I have always needed that, and I have worked hard enough to deserve it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBQ1KjMtw5Q&list=UU6fUZo1Uc4gmP36-0k9aYtQ&index=1&feature=plcp