More so, I think it's all related to the bigger picture, as this project was designed to be. I'm frustrated with myself. Craig, I don't know if you read this or not, but you asked what was bugging me today and I came up with the superficial stuff to tell you because I couldn't articulate everything right then and there. I didn't know all of it right then and there; I'm positive I still don't. But here's what I've managed to sort out. In the last year, I don't feel as though I've grown enough. I'm way too close to being exactly where I was last May - the differences between then and now being only my relationship status and living situation. I'm on my own this time, completely. But that's about it. I had higher hopes for myself, not sure which goals in particular I wanted to achieve, but I feel as though I might've let myself down.
Also, I think it's annoying and really awesome that you know something's up with me before I even really know. I honestly don't know what I'd do without all of you...
In all seriousness, all I want right now is a big empty space to go scream in, at the top of my lungs. I want this all out of me - all of the pent up emotions from this past year - happy, sad and in-between. This would be the perfect time to dance, but I think I need space. I'm going to the gym. I can't scream, but I can sure as hell run.
"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke
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