Another rocky sort of day yesterday. Went to the gym, that was all fine and good, showered, went outside to lay in the sunshine, flashmobbed, went to rehearsal, and then a final meeting with a professor that I respect very much and boy, did I get slammed. Whether or not it's what was exactly said (I have a subconscious tendency to accidentally twist words), the feeling I took from it was that overall, I am lacking. Regardless of what was said, that is the feeling that I walked out of the office with, and that is the feeling I held on to. What I am is not enough. I am not dedicated enough. I am not strong enough. I am not flexible enough. I am not technical enough. I am not genuine enough. The only thing that is enough is that I want this, but the way I'm going about getting it is not enough.
The problem is, I don't know how much more I can give. It's been a problem since September, when I absolutely would never be good enough. Since then, it's been my feeling that I have been inadequate in nearly every aspect of my life. I can't seem to be what each and every person/area of my life needs me to be. I could maybe be a dancer, but then I can't be a sister, friend or girlfriend. I could be a girlfriend, but then I probably can't negotiate being a dancer without driving the poor guy nuts sooner or later. So I've attempted prioritizing who and what I am at each moment, and it at least serves the purpose of giving me peace of mind. That is until whichever aspect is being pushed aside for the moment decides this is simply unfair and unacceptable and tries to push its way to the front of my priorities. That gets confusing and is just plain painful. My New Year's resolution was to prove to myself once and for all that I was good enough and deserved to be happy. I know I deserve that, I just don't know how to balance being enough for everything.
My question now is, what is "enough" and who on earth gets to decide that?
And the real truth, when I dig down deep, is that all I want is to be whatever this thing called "enough" is. I keep being told I'm not it, but I'm pretty sure I could be if I just had the chance. I've been called hungry before, and that is the most accurate description of myself that I have ever heard. I am starving for knowledge and growth and perfection and adoration and criticism and a promise that I will be everything I can be. I think that's why this little meeting irked me so much. He went from encouraging me to scaring me. All I ever wanted to do from day one was impress this man who had just come out of the professional dance world. I wanted this beautiful giant with technique to see me. And he did. And he helped. And he pushed. But I didn't think that in the last conversation he and I would have for quite some time that he would rip me apart.
So, with all of that in mind, and a wide, gaping desire for happiness and peace, I rushed to the studios. And this is what happened. (Sadly, my camera died right as the improv reached its height and I felt really good about what was happening, but maybe that part needed to be a private conversation between me and that moment).
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