See Strength.

Okay, a few days away from the dancing and deeper into the reading may have done me some good.

I am still far from being in love with the choreography itself, but I am much further away from hating it as much as I did in my last entry. Instinctively, I would love to apologize for what I posted last time. It is far from how I normally work, far from anything I would normally allow anyone to know, but I'm going against my gut this time. The point of this was for me to come from an honest place, to let you all see and experience what I'm thinking and feeling. It is almost unbearably uncomfortable some days, but that is exactly what I'm doing, and I could not be prouder of myself for actually following through. Yes, a tad melodramatic at times, but I'm positive there will also be times of complete euphoria. That's life, and it is completely acceptable for me to live and breathe to my fullest capacity and to let everyone in on my mission to do that.

It's time for me to let go. It's time to open up again and let everyone, including myself, see who and what I am. That, as I am becoming more and more aware, is what this is about. I am one of the millions of victims of this new "numb" age. I have myself convinced that in order to meet the standards of this world that I must be strong. As opposed to the happiness everyone else appears to have fixated on, I have chosen strength and stoicism. I have concluded that strength means not allowing myself to go too far in any one direction. If I am strong I cannot be too happy, I cannot be too sad, I cannot get too angry (although of all the emotions, I've assured myself that this is the one it is acceptable for strong people to divulge in), I must only be stable. However, I've come to realize, that is just so not true.

True strength is in owning up to who and what you are. It is in giving yourself a chance to sincerely feel everything and not be afraid to admit that you are a human being who is going to be irrational at times, who is going to make mistakes and who is going to keep moving forward. It is in allowing people to get close to you, knowing that one day it could all turn awry and they could tear you to shreds, but trusting that they wouldn't do that. And when they do, oh well. Another experience to be had. Another emotion to go through. A new beginning to start chasing after.

I have a few videos to post this time...I got a little lazy with the uploading but I do know what I was doing with each one.

Video 1: http://www.youtube.com/user/csqt10#p/a/u/2/IlGDh6GpU4A

This is me very frustrated and taking a break from the choreography. I was nearly certain that the improvisations were finished. I have plenty of material, but at the suggestion of a friend to not limit myself, I decided to drop what I was doing (since it wasn't working anyway) and play around again.

Video 2: http://www.youtube.com/user/csqt10#p/a/u/1/wD-douZFQzY

This is the phrase that was frustrating me, however this time, I allowed myself to play with it. I messed with the order, the repetition, the timing and I think I like what I've started. It's closer. I don't know why I hated it so much that day, but it's getting there. I need to SLOW DOWN and RELAing much much closer to what I think I'd like it to be!

Video 3: http://www.youtube.com/user/csqt10#p/a/u/0/PQJTcIcpWi4

I was having a wonderful day. I am so blessed to know so many amazing people. I spent the weekend virtually alone with nothing to do, which essentially meant forced relaxation time. I did find that a bit unnerving, but it was helpful, and I'll begrudgingly admit, something I probably needed. In that time, 2 of my friends dropped off all kinds of old furniture and clothes to help me in my future relocation/dancing endeavors and I just seriously...I have such amazing friends. I was on top of the world heading to the studio and actually delegated to use the blackbox theatre on campus as opposed to the traditional studios for a change of pace. While I accomplished nothing that I set out to do that day, you'll notice this improv has a more playful quality than the others...that is if you can see anything at all in the video. It was nighttime and I could only find so many lights...woops...

I'm done writing my novel. It's time for bed. I have so much more to tell you all, but I think it can wait. At least until tomorrow.

I'm going back to the start

I'm frustrated. The end. Something about this isn't what I want it to be. I can't put my finger on it though.

More so, I think it's all related to the bigger picture, as this project was designed to be. I'm frustrated with myself. Craig, I don't know if you read this or not, but you asked what was bugging me today and I came up with the superficial stuff to tell you because I couldn't articulate everything right then and there. I didn't know all of it right then and there; I'm positive I still don't. But here's what I've managed to sort out. In the last year, I don't feel as though I've grown enough. I'm way too close to being exactly where I was last May - the differences between then and now being only my relationship status and living situation. I'm on my own this time, completely. But that's about it. I had higher hopes for myself, not sure which goals in particular I wanted to achieve, but I feel as though I might've let myself down.

Also, I think it's annoying and really awesome that you know something's up with me before I even really know. I honestly don't know what I'd do without all of you...

In all seriousness, all I want right now is a big empty space to go scream in, at the top of my lungs. I want this all out of me - all of the pent up emotions from this past year - happy, sad and in-between. This would be the perfect time to dance, but I think I need space. I'm going to the gym. I can't scream, but I can sure as hell run.

...and we're back

After taking a much needed few days off at home in New Jersey, I am back and ready to hit the road again.

I finally have the video of the phrase I compiled up and ready to be viewed. It still needs something, well it needs a lot of things. The nuances have yet to be defined and solidified, but there's something really big and important that it needs. I'm waiting for it to hit me. Maybe another dancer? Maybe music (which Kento sent me some samples and it is AWESOME. I still have to set them next to this phrase and see what works/doesn't but I am so excited by what I heard!!)? Maybe just time and definition? Hmmm...

In watching and continuing to work on this, I noticed something that I think will become key. For whatever reason, and you're just going to have to go with me on the fact that I swear this was unintentional, there is a huge emphasis on the downstage left corner in this phrase. I know there is some symbolism to that in some choreography book somewhere, I just can't remember what book I need to look for to find it. Obviously, that particular symbolism may or may not apply to what I'm doing, but I am extremely curious because that is clearly something I am feeling very strongly but I'm not sure why. I've also noticed the favoritism of my right arm. It is constantly stretching or reaching or leading my body into a movement sequence, but it is very rare that my left arm does the same, or moves at all for that matter. I think I know why that is, and it isn't just because I'm a right-handed. The movement of my right arm is hugely significant as far as I'm concerned. It's me reliving and reconciling all kinds of emotional scars that are evidently still very much physically present in me, despite the years that have passed.

I do apologize for the video quality, I kind of come in and out of frame. I'll be sure to get a better video once I add on the next part of the phrase. Fingers crossed I'll get to work in Chi MAC again! That space is beautifully welcoming. Thanks Jess for letting me be there =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd8yQzBcjrg

It's a me thing.

So, 2 Institute days - check. And I have now officially begun the process. Yay!

I've done a few more improvs, but the videos are on my phone and until someone teaches me how to not be a technological disgrace to my generation, I suppose on my phone is exactly where those videos will stay. I can tell you that they are the product of mixed emotions. I went to an audition in NYC for a GIGANTIC company, and as expected didn't receive a callback. What was unexpected was being ruled out within the first glimpse the director took of me. I was still allowed to dance, but after that initial line up of all 30 of us in the room, he was no longer interested in what I had to offer. That was slightly disheartening. Granted, he saw over 250 dancers that day and was hiring only one. Looking for the positives, I realized that I'd been given and taken the opportunity to dance in front of a legend, and that is pretty awesome. I really can't ask for more and I am so proud of myself for walking into a situation that I knew I had no chance of success in, but doing it anyway just to show myself I could. So mixed up somewhere between distraught and thrilled, I went home and kicked my own butt in the studio. Maybe one day you'll get to see what came of it.

The day after that, I decided to crack down on getting this thing together. So, I took the first improv I'd done and picked out moments I really liked. I then re-taught them to myself and strung it together into one long, extremely dense phrase. I was amazed when I finished and had 3 minutes of material in my hands - 3 minutes that needed to be teased out and slowed down - 3 minutes that would probably become at least 4 and 1/2 minutes - 3 minutes that I actually liked. I am so excited, and again, the video's on my phone. I promise to charge my camera tomorrow so that when I have space at Chi MAC tomorrow night, I can use it appropriately and share what I'm doing.

In conversing with my mentor via email, she raised an extremely interesting question that I feel is necessary to address, if only on a personal level. She asked, "Did the movement itself contribute to a change in emotion or was the emotion just spending itself, playing itself out? The very repetition seemed to spark both creativity and change." I think the last statement is probably most accurate. At first, the movement was 100% created out of me just letting go and allowing whatever I was feeling to take over, but I also feel as though it was a personal conversation with myself. By the end, I had reached a new level. I had talked myself into feeling something slightly different or at least thinking about what I was feeling in a different way. I had discovered things about myself in that moment that would have otherwise remained a mystery. Those closest to me have always said dance was my therapy and my only real way of communicating, and I feel as though this process is only emphasizing that.

In the end, here is my living, breathing, moving journal - my most intimate thoughts. Those thoughts that I would never, not in a million years, be able to find the words for. I can most certainly show you though. Even just standing still, my body has the ability to broadcast everything going on internally. That is the most thrilling part of this gifted life I have been given.

Research Institute

Got the dates and times for the institute today. Two seven hour sessions with assigned readings...this should be good =)

Ready. Set. Go!

"Enough"

Jump start entry number 2. Still not positive on the exact "how" surrounding the way that I approach this project.

Another rocky sort of day yesterday. Went to the gym, that was all fine and good, showered, went outside to lay in the sunshine, flashmobbed, went to rehearsal, and then a final meeting with a professor that I respect very much and boy, did I get slammed. Whether or not it's what was exactly said (I have a subconscious tendency to accidentally twist words), the feeling I took from it was that overall, I am lacking. Regardless of what was said, that is the feeling that I walked out of the office with, and that is the feeling I held on to. What I am is not enough. I am not dedicated enough. I am not strong enough. I am not flexible enough. I am not technical enough. I am not genuine enough. The only thing that is enough is that I want this, but the way I'm going about getting it is not enough.

The problem is, I don't know how much more I can give. It's been a problem since September, when I absolutely would never be good enough. Since then, it's been my feeling that I have been inadequate in nearly every aspect of my life. I can't seem to be what each and every person/area of my life needs me to be. I could maybe be a dancer, but then I can't be a sister, friend or girlfriend. I could be a girlfriend, but then I probably can't negotiate being a dancer without driving the poor guy nuts sooner or later. So I've attempted prioritizing who and what I am at each moment, and it at least serves the purpose of giving me peace of mind. That is until whichever aspect is being pushed aside for the moment decides this is simply unfair and unacceptable and tries to push its way to the front of my priorities. That gets confusing and is just plain painful. My New Year's resolution was to prove to myself once and for all that I was good enough and deserved to be happy. I know I deserve that, I just don't know how to balance being enough for everything.

My question now is, what is "enough" and who on earth gets to decide that?

And the real truth, when I dig down deep, is that all I want is to be whatever this thing called "enough" is. I keep being told I'm not it, but I'm pretty sure I could be if I just had the chance. I've been called hungry before, and that is the most accurate description of myself that I have ever heard. I am starving for knowledge and growth and perfection and adoration and criticism and a promise that I will be everything I can be. I think that's why this little meeting irked me so much. He went from encouraging me to scaring me. All I ever wanted to do from day one was impress this man who had just come out of the professional dance world. I wanted this beautiful giant with technique to see me. And he did. And he helped. And he pushed. But I didn't think that in the last conversation he and I would have for quite some time that he would rip me apart.

So, with all of that in mind, and a wide, gaping desire for happiness and peace, I rushed to the studios. And this is what happened. (Sadly, my camera died right as the improv reached its height and I felt really good about what was happening, but maybe that part needed to be a private conversation between me and that moment).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miUmghwk-W8